Power Rankings: Forgotten/Underseen Sesame Street Characters

As suggested on the podcast, this week's exclusive power rankings look at the long-forgotten, underutilized, or otherwise neglected characters on Sesame Street. Some may pop up from time to time, but they were all much bigger in the BOTNS era but have been, for the most part, sidelined for one reason or another.

Remember, this ranking is based on how each character would fare against another on a given day at a neutral playground at Roosevelt Franklin Elementary School.

1) Don Music: The epitome of the tortured genius, Music has undeniable talent but also undeniable issues. His inability to deal with creative struggles without bashing his head on his piano, says the great book Sesame Street Unpaved by David Borgenicht, is why the producers nixed him after reports that kids were imitating the behavior.

2) Roosevelt Franklin: As we noted on the podcast, he was thought to reinforce negative stereotypes. Unpaved also points out the classroom setting for many of his appearances was considered too rowdy and poor modeling for children. Of course, that contrast between that milieu and the normal series atmosphere is one of the main reasons his segments are so funny today.

3) Fat Blue/Mr. Johnson: He was a regular on the show for years, then went out of the rotation (though I think he still makes occasional appearances). He is an identifiable Everyman sharing many of the qualities we all do--hungry, a little cranky, and often annoyed by Grover.

4) Lefty: Is he the single seediest character to ever appear on the regular on the series?

5) The Amazing Mumford the Magician: Still a member in good standing, as far as I know, but more in the underseen category--apt status, perhaps, given his penchant for making things disappear.

6) Sherlock Hemlock: The master detective's skills have not diminished with time, though his screen time may have.

7) Harvey Kneeslapper: OK, he can be irritating in more than small doses, but for a minute or two at a time, his voice, his corny jokes, even his mustache all amuse me. Unpaved says he was retired for being a one-note character and for straining Frank Oz's voice with that (I will concede) shrill laugh.

8) Simon Soundman: I like the awe he inspires in Bert with his uncanny voicing abilities. He makes Michael Winslow look like an amateur.

9) Herry Monster: Again, he is still active, I think, but relegated to background status. He should be a major player again.

10) Herbert Birdsfoot: He brings a certain intellectual savoir faire to the program. I didn't remember him until we prepared for the podcast, and now I want to see more. He has a great look.

Power Rankings: The castaways on Gilligan's isle

The "Mary Ann or Ginger?" debate is tired by now (and perhaps never even all that close), but what about 'Mary Ann or Ginger or Mrs. Howell or Mr. Howell or Skipper or Gilligan or Professor?" That's right, we decide that today in our exclusive Gilligan's Island power rankings.

Remember, these scientific ratings are based on how the castaways would fare if pitted against each other in neutral weather conditions on an uncharted desert isle.

1) Skipper: He's the heart of the show and, despite the fact that he was at the helm when they wrecked and must (and does) bear responsibility, a true leader and a quality guy. Plus he's a great buddy. The fact that he looks directly at us a few times each episode is a probably factor in boosting his relationship with the audience.

2) Mary Ann: The primary America's sweetheart during a key decade of television (Yes, even more than Chet Huntley) is not perfect, but she and Gilligan are the two nicest folks on the island. She's a great cook, too!

3) Professor: At times he can seem a little detached, but that's only because he's thinking. In fact Roy Hinkley is a great guy and, looking at his overall body of work, possessor of a great deal of common sense for a stereotypical egghead. Most of the time, he doesn't shy away from manual labor that's required in a deserted island setting, unlike...

4) Thurston Howell III: Say what you will about Mr. Howell, but at least he is focused. He just happens to be focused on money. He might not be the best role model unless you are Alex P. Keaton, but I think he may be, scene for scene, the funniest character on the series.

5) Gilligan: His name is in the title, but it's only his island because he keeps preventing the escapes from happening. It's weird to say it, but I think if I absolutely had to, I could watch an episode with only the four higher-ranked castaways on the list.

6) Ginger: There is no shame in finishing second to Mary Ann Summers, but Ginger Grant comes off as one-dimensional too often, but unlike the others ahead of her on this list, the dimension isn't always funny. Don't get me wrong, this is a great ensemble, and Ginger's presence is vital, but there have to be people at the bottom of this list of only 7 people.

7) Lovey Howell: Natalie Schafer does a great job with her, and the Howells have many hilarious scenes, but let's face it, it's easy to forget the character has a name other than "Mrs." (Let alone that she has an actual first name other than "Lovey.")

Power Rankings: Chico and the Man!

The Power Rankings return to evaluate the characters on Chico and the Man. What more important pastime can there be than assigning rank to fictional people on a 1970s sitcom?

Remember, these ratings reflect how these individuals would fare against each other on a neutral playing surface in Malden, Massachusetts.

1) Chico and the Man (tie): Is this a cop-out? Of course it is, but the series relies so much on the tremendous chemistry between the two that it seems wrong to elevate one over the other. Prinze's Chico was the breakout, but Albertson's Ed Brown was the glue and was there the whole run (for better or worse).

3) Louie Wilson: Played with charismas as always by Scatman Crothers. Despite what I said above, don't think I didn't ponder putting Louie higher for a brief moment. Louie has to be one of the all-time great garbagemen (Future bonus episode idea?).

4) Della Rogers: Della Reese offered a surprisingly effective foil for Albertson after Prinze's death.

5) Charo: A little of Charo goes a long way, but the series needed some energy at the time, and, well, one thing Charo always provides is energy.

6 (tie): Mando, Mabel, and Reverend Bemis: The performers tried hard, but they just couldn't elevate these characters (Chico's pal, the mailperson, and, well, the reverend)  beyond solid contributors. They seem designed to be the kinds of characters who get rapturous applause when they show up, but I just have not gotten into them.

Also receiving votes: Raul and Monica. Don't blame the actors. They walked into an impossible situation.

Power Rankings: 10 who did NOT have variety shows (but could have) in the 1970s

A common talking point about the peak of the variety show in the 1970s is that "Everyone had a variety show" in the decade. I mean, Mike and I probably said it a few times after talking about Sonny and Cher last season and Donny and Marie this past episode.

Believe it or not, it's not the case! Yes, the existence of The Keane Brothers Show may convince you otherwise, but many celebrities of the era never got their own program.

Here's our list of 10, ranked in order of who would win if they played head to head on a neutral field in Television City, Los Angeles, California.

1) Robert Pine: 'Nuff said.

2) Herve Villechaze: Of course the show would be called HERVE! and would co-star Jeff Altman.

3) Beth Howland: Can you believe TV's Vera never had a variety show? Crazy, right?

4) Ann Jillian: You know what? Maybe this one actually should have happened. She was more a presence on stage than on screen in the Seventies.

5) Jim McKay: Famous for being inflappable, McKay really proved his ability to handle any situation with his flawless call of the breakdancing at the 1984 Summer Olympics closing ceremony.

6) Theodore Wilson: One of the coolest performers of the decade worked steadily, including regular roles on That's My Mama and Good Times, so he didn't NEED to host his own variety hour. Maybe the public needed it, though.

7) Jodie Foster: She was in tons of stuff in the Seventies, including commercial TV, series like Paper Moon, and guest shots plus even voice-over work (The Addams Family cartoon). Networks were chasing that 2-11-year-old demo even then. Why not The Jodie Foster Hour with some skits and songs?

8) Gary Sandy: Despite his proven versatility as an actor and frontman of a platinum-selling rock band, he never got the shot.

9) Grape Ape: He shared a high-profile gig with a diverse cast on The Tom and Jerry/Grape Ape/Mumbly Show. I think he could have pulled off a prime-time variety series.

10) Herb Edelman: I know. It stuns us, too.

Power Rankings: Gary Coleman TV Movies

After enjoying The Kid Trilogy, I needed to see the other Gary Coleman TV movies. Unfortunately, the one I have wanted to see for years, Playing with Fire, continues to elude me, but I saw a couple others. Here, then, is my exclusive Power Rankings of the TV movies Coleman starred in during the BOTNS era:

1) The Kid with the 200 I.Q. : To me, this is peak Coleman in part because it plays like an extended sitcom pilot as much as a movie. You could easily see his Nick Newell returning for weekly adventures with Robert Guillaume. The supporting cast is amusing, and the story combines elements of all sorts of teen movies of the era but in a wholesome way. If you see only one Gary Coleman movie...see Halo because we discuss it on the pod. If you see two, catch this one, too.

2) The Kid from Left Field: The baseball theme gets me on this one. It's fun, it has the Padres, and I just get a kick out of it.

3) The Kid with the Broken Halo: Yes, it's the one we covered, and I am glad we did. You, the listeners, demanded it! Yet it's my least favorite of the Kid Trilogy. This is all relative, of course, but I think the concentration on multiple storylines dilutes things a bit. The big thing is, I just like the other two a bit better.

4) The Fantastic World of D.C. Collins: This one features a number of whimsical (and budget-friendly) set pieces sending up Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and other pop culture phenomena. Collins is a diplomat's son who has an overactive imagination to the extent he spaces out while experiencing fantasy scenarios. He finds himself in a situation of real espionage and Washington D.C. intrigue.

This is less sitcom-ish than the Kid Trilogy and has more an emphasis on the relatively mild adventure and action. It's charming in its way but not as compelling as the Trilogy.

And by the way, while you may not find Jason Bateman in The Boy with the Cracked Horns, you WILL find him here, with a posh English accent, to boot!

5) Scout's Honor: Coleman is a lonely foster kid who finds his niche in Cub Scouts while Katherine Helmond finds hers when forced by her boss to be a den mother. This is not as entertaining as the Kind Trilogy, despite the presence of Meeno Peluce, but it has some really affecting moments.

It's not an exaggeration to say that one scene in which Coleman stands in front of a mirror and cries really hit me. His Joey has just received a cruel reminder of how little his foster parents care for him. Their attitude about a situation is shockingly dismissive in fact. When Coleman runs off and starts bawling, it's the actor as I never saw him before--not stage crying or being sad for effect, but just crying--a sad, pitiful boy whose heart is broken. The movie is worth seeing for that scene alone.

Power Rankings: Summer Olympic sports I always mean to watch but don't

Each Olympics I have an informal list of sports I intend to watch but don't really. This year the dissonance is even stronger since it is easier than ever to watch whatever I want. I have no excuse!

this list is not meant to demean the events, but it is based on which sport would beat another sport if they competed in Lock Haven, Pennsylvania:

(Note that there are sports that I somehow do end up watching, like swimming, gymnastics, basketball, and volleyball)

1) Team Handball: I enjoy this sport. I really do. Each time I see it, I wonder why it isn't more popular. So why don't I actually watch it during the Olympics?

2) Water Polo: Shout-out to one of my college roommates, a Water Polo-er who talked about how physical the game was.

3) Badminton: This is an awesome event, but maybe I'd watch more if it were in a backyard.

4) Breaking: I really meant to watch.

5) Rugby: To be fair, this is a fairly recent addition to the Summer Games.

6) Judo: The only combat-related spot I watched for years was boxing, but I think that was because boxing was so common on TV coverage.

7) Table Tennis: See Badminton, but replace "backyard" with "dingy basement."

8) Trampoline: It is kind of cool, but it's not the kind of thing I seek out.

9) Archery: They could be allowing trick arrows like Oliver Queen uses for all I know, and I wouldn't be aware.

10) Taeknwondo: See Judo.

All in the Family Power Rankings: Top 10 TV Bowlers

This week's podcast talked about All in the Family and the Sport of Kings: Bowling! Archie Bunker loves bowling, we love bowling--Everyone loves bowling. That is, everyone used to love bowling, or you might well think that if you watched a lot of TV back in the day.

We are including the Fifties and Sixties for our All in the Family edition of the Power Rankings as we look at the greatest TV bowlers of all time (if time stopped at about 1990 or so). These rankings are not necessarily based on pure skill talent, but on a combination of love of the game, commitment to the craft, and mastery of "bowling culture." The ultimate standard is, who would win if these people rolled 10 frames in an alley in my backyard in Pueblo, Colorado?

1) Ernest Borgnine: There can be none higher. As we discussed in our Celebrity Bowling episode, Borgnine IS bowling in our world. If Ernie didn't show up at all the matches on that show just due to a love of the game, we don't want to hear about it.

2) Hazel Burke: The eponymous 1960s sitcom established many times that Hazel was a championship-level bowler--almost to a ridiculous level sometimes until you realize she was a championship-level cook, cleaner, shopper, surrogate parent, and advice giver as well.

3) Earl Anthony: He was really good! He dominated the sport back when it was a real "thing" on network television.

4) Fred Flintstone/Barney Rubble: Hard not to rank these as a pair. The fact is, Fred earns major style points--Pete Weber may have gotten some of his showmanship from the Twinkletoes of 10-Pin--but his game is inconsistent, which might keep him from being ranked higher.

(I hope I didn't botch that Pete Weber reference.)

5) Ralph Kramden/Ed Norton: Similar to the previous entry. Hey, did you ever notice The Flintstones has a lot in common with The Honeymooners? Anyway, the quality of Ralph's bowling seems to fluctuate a bit, but he is an anchor on his team, willing to compete even when injured, and clearly sees the pastime as a lifestyle, not just a game.

6) Diane Chambers: Saved the day when Woody couldn't go by walking out out onto the lanes with nerves of steel  in a key contest with Gary's Olde Towne Tavern. 'Nuff said.

7) Al Bundy: Yes, Peggy was the one who rolled a perfect game, but that happened in 1990.

8) Howard Sprague: When we see his methodical style in The Andy Griffith Show's "Howard the Bowler," he has only recently taken up bowling, or at least he has just started working on it. Yet he is able to jump in and replace a missing team member  in a key confrontation and carry the night. When a freak occurrence interrupts the match, he then resumes his pursuit of a 300 game! Despite getting the yips, Howard shows overall mastery of the lanes in an almost Zen-like manner.

9) Laverne Difazio: One of Laverne & Shirley's earliest episodes, "Bowling for Razzberries," shows Laverne is someone who bowls a lot, is willing to use the sport as a way to settle disputes, and is confident enough in her game to teach/criticize the games of others.

10) Paul Drake: One of Perry Mason's oddest episodes is in its eighth season. "The Case of the Bullied Bowler" does not have Raymond Burr, who is replaced by Mike Connors as a vacationing lawyer visiting Paul and Della. Drake gives a cool bordering on pretentious (But it's bowling, so come on) speech about how to bowl before being interrupted. Connors' character upstages him at the alley at the end of the episode, but it could be a lucky shot. We know Paul Drake cares about and works on his form, though.

Also receiving votes:

Archie Bunker was considered, but he couldn't come through in the biggest game of his life and seemed to consider bowling as a means to an end more than a pursuit in itself.

Sam Franklin: It's tempting to pick partner Alice Nelson--After all, they both advance to the finals in the big tournament mentioned in the episode--but she thought a bowling ball was a ridiculous wedding gift, and Sam rightly pushed back. However, I get the sense Alice is the better bowler but always lets Sam win.

Power Rankings: People who were on 227

This week we are not ranking people who were on 227 as in the main cast members. No, the title of this list should really be, "People who were on 227?" The weirdest, the wildest, the ones we forgot were on there. Some guests are not surprising. Like, is it really a shocker that Ron Glass was on the series? I think not. Here we go! Remember, the rankings are based on who would win if they squared off on a neutral field in Capitol Hill.

1) Pee Wee Herman: This appearance in Season 2's "Toyland" solidifies the show's Eighties cred...and not just because Terry Kiser is in it!

2) Countess Vaughn: I think Mike and I both forget that the Alexandria character even existed, which is why she makes the list despite being a regular for pretty much the entire fourth season.

3) Red Buttons: Earns a spot for his appearance in the strange backdoor pilot episode "the Audit," which was designed to incorporate topical references into each episode--kind of like when Roc would hold up a newspaper to remind everyone it was being done live. "Joey, you know full well that today's horoscope says Libras should expect a sudden windfall!

4) Paul Winfield: Joined the show at the end of its run as the landlord in the fifth season and didn't really fit. Maybe it was because he played a deacon in the series' third season!

5) Lou Albano: We mention this on the podcast. Check him out in "We the People," in which the show takes a stand against homelessness!

6) Barry Sobel, Stoney Jackson: Pretty much all of the new additions in the last season. failed to make a positive impact.

7) Marvelous Marvin Hagler: Of all the sports stars to show up on a random sitcom...Hagler is effective in Season 4's "Hide the Star," playing himself.

8) Lyle Talbot: Man, the dude was in everything. He co-starred with the likes of Barbara Stanwyck in the Thirties, was a regular on Ozzie and Harriet in the Fifties, showed up a few times on Green Acres, and guested in one episode of 227 in his mid-80s.

9) Angela Bassett: A classic, "Hey, she was in that?" appearance is her showing up as an abandoned baby's mother in Season 5's "A Pampered Tale."

10) Kia Goodwin: I include her because she was a key part of the show in its first two seasons as Rose's daughter and Brenda's best friend but was written off the show and not mentioned as far as I can tell.

Power Rankings: Half-hour Westerns!

This week, rather than attempt to rank elements of the Rifleman, I am doing something different and listing some other half-hour Western programs of yore that I can recommend. Remember, the rankings are based on what would happen if these series squared off against each other in a dome in Rock Ridge.

1) Have Gun -- Will Travel: I don't remember this one being at all when I was a lad, but I discovered it as an adult and found it one of the best of the genre. Growing up, I really only knew it for the image of Richard Boone as the black-clad Paladin and of course "The Ballad of Paladin." It's an excellent program, though, and it's complete on DVD and streaming on Pluto (yet not, for no good reason that I know, on Paramount Plus).

2) Gunsmoke: I am required by law to mention Gunsmoke in any list of Western TV shows, and I am also required to mention William Conrad played the lead in the radio version. The half-hour version of the series lasted its first 6 seasons, and all episodes are on DVD and have aired in syndication. Unfortunately, these seasons are not on Paramount Plus nor Pluto at this time.

3) The Westerner: An excellent, thoughtful series from Sam Peckinpah (probably going places he wanted to on The Rifleman) and starring Brian Keith. At 13 episodes, it's an easy watch, and it's on DVD as well as various streamers, including free ones Tubi and Roku Channel as well as Prime Video.

4) Wanted: Dead or Alive: I haven't done a deep dive into this one, another series that I don't think was on much in my rerun-infested youth. It's highly marketable because of star Steve McQueen, so it is easy to find on DVD and is also on streamers like Starz and Prime. I do like what I have seen of it!

5) Bat Masterson: Another Prime Video star (but also found elsewhere and on DVD, though the best sets are harder to find and/or out of print). I always enjoy the characterization of cooler-than-thou Gene Barry as Bat, and the series' light touch is welcome but maybe has led to it being a bit underrated. It also boasts one of the best theme songs in TV history:

6) Dick Powell's Zane Gray Theater: An anthology with some great stories, it spawned The Rifleman and The Westerner! Powell produced, hosts, sometimes even stars. Unfortunately, DVD releases stalled out halfway through the series, but you can find many episodes on YouTube. This is one of my favorite show titles of all time, by the way.

7) A Man Called Shenandoah: I enjoyed the premise of this one: Robert Horton is a man left for dead and struggling to remember who he is. He roams the West trying to discover his identity. I watched the entire series on my dearly beloved but defunct Warner Archive Instant. It feels like a good candidate to pop up on Tubi someday, but for now you can get the Warner Archive DVD set.

8) Death Valley Days: Another anthology, with many episodes hosted by Ronald Reagan, and it is chock full of interesting stories and cool guests. I don't understand what happened to this one. Most episodes were issued on DVD, and for a while Starz streamed it. Yet now, despite the rightsholders (and maybe Starz, directly or indirectly) paying a lot to restore the episodes, it is MIA on streaming and you have to catch it on YouTube. Grit TV shows a few episodes every Saturday, but that seems like kind of a waste.

9) Tate: The title character in this 1960 summer replacement series is a Civil War vet who lost an arm in the conflict but continues as a bounty hunter. The uniqueness of the character adds a spin to the Western srories. Timeless (speaking of late and lamented; the company put out a lot of great DVD sets before Shout swallowed it and put an end to that) released the entire series, and you can find it on Tubi, Roku, and YouTube.

10) Yancy Derringer: Available on DVD and on Prime Video, this 1958 CBS series starred Jock Mahoney in the title role as a former Confederate officer working as a secret agent for the Feds in Reconstruction-era New Orleans. The setting and Derringer's dandy-ish image, plus the butt kicking of X Brands as his Native American sidekick, make this an interesting program.

There's 10 for you, and I didn't even include Lawman, Zorro, The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp (with BOTNS icon Hugh O'Brian,Chuck Connors' Branded (Apparently butchered for syndication forever, I am sad to say), or The Rebel...nor many other half-hour oaters worth checking out!

Power Rankings: Comic characters who should have had a TV show/TV movie in 1977

The 1977 Exo-Man TV movie may or may not have been an attempt to do Iron Man without Iron Man. It was a time of superheroes on TV. In 1977-1979, viewers got Doctor Strange, Captain America, and of course Wonder Woman and The Incredible Hulk in addition to The Amazing Spider-Man and the NBC DC/Warner Brothers shows. Saturday mornings in 1977 still hosted The Shazam/Isis Hour.

What besides Iron Man was missing from live action? Here is a list of comic book and comic strip characters I wish were on the air in 1977.

1) Luke Cage: The obvious number one is Luke Cage, AKA Power Man. Combine the "hip" Afrocentric aesthetic of the Marvel comic (Well, it was trying) with 1970s sensibilities, and you might get a cool street-based comic show.

2) Iron Fist: And we should go ahead and include Cage's comic book partner, Danny Rand. Given the martial arts craze of the Seventies, it seems combining some TV-friendly action with some decade-friendly mysticism would make a good fit.

3) Green Lantern/Green Arrow: The totally unsubtle but well-meaning "social relevance" era of the book had been in the early part of the decade, but at this time the two were traveling in outer space. That's not as budget friendly as two heroes roaming the country "to find America," and media is often several years behind a trend, so why not make a series of that run?

4) Mary Worth: The criminally underused, perpetually nosy senior could have had her own soapy melodrama. Maybe she's too tame for primetime TV, but a daily soap opera, maybe?

5) Rip Kirby: I don't really have a good idea for this. I just like saying 'Rip Kirby," a character maybe forgotten now but quite popular in 1977.

6) Sad Sack: Beetle Bailey got some TV cartoons earlier, but Sad Sack hasn't received his due in other media. There have been many military comedies, and some of them actually worked. Maybe the Sackster could have been a hit.

7) The Daily Planet: The live-action Spidey show gave us The Daily Bugle, and Lou Grant premiered in Fall 1977, but I would enjoy a 1970s-"Metropolis"-set newspaper comedy/drama featuring the cast of Superman comics. To save money, they could have had minimal cameos by Supes and even by Clark Kent while focusing on others like Perry and Lois and Jimmy.

Of course, this thing would probably have been seen as a cheat back then, whereas today I think we can count on more than one hand the number of, say, Batman shows without Batman that appeared in recent years. Plus there is the big problem of Superman: The Movie, which would premiere in 1978. Hey, I just think it could have been a cool TV show, is all.

8) The Haunted Tank: Forget the Confederate/Union thing, which would have been much more palatble in 1977, but let's think of this as a way to combine two types of comics DC published that didn't get much multimedia love: Supernatural and War. This is a long shot, but a series about the ghost of Jeb Stuart guiding soldiers in WWII would stand out.

9) The Spirit: There are two reasons Will Eisner's all-time classic feature isn't higher on my list: 1) The 1987 attempt to bring it to TV and 2) My fear it would be screwed up. I wonder, though, if the Seventies would have been a better time. The Spirit was in reprints then, so it was still around, and maybe the b&w magazine era and 1970s crime TV would have found some compatibility.

10) Richie Rich: Several years later, a cartoon version would appear on Saturday mornings, but I am thinking of a live-action series. ABC tried a couple of Little Lulu specials around this time. Maybe the Richie Rich character could be an appealing presence in a similar format back before the days when an embarrassment of riches might actually be considered embarrassing.

Power Rankings: Dennis the Menace reminds me of things I miss

Something a little different for this week's rankings: Here is a list of things I miss, all suggested or brought up by our look at the live-action and animated Dennis the Menace:

1) Fast food promotions with characters like Dennis: Other than Happy Meal toys, what do we have to bring us to a fast food joint besides, well, the food? Even the toys aren't promoted much anymore. Dennis was a mischievous, sometimes devious kid, but he was a great spokesman for Dairy Queen. I wish there were more cartoons shilling for junk food today. At least Andy Capp's Pub Fries are still around. Aren't they?

2)  Little kids wearing the same thing every single day: Kids of a certain age might want to wear the same outfit all the time, but their parents don't let them. Then they age out, and even if they like wearing the same shirt over and over, they don't really have uniforms until they get a little bit older and try to make some kind of statement.

What I am trying to say is I think it's cool that Dennis wears the same clothes day after day and no one cares. In fact, most of his friends do, too, but it's all good.

3) Kids having clubs unsanctioned by any adults: OK, the boss getting "scalped" isn't in line with modern sensibilities, but at least Dennis and his friends take some initiative and create a social group. I am not counting online clubs; I mean stuff with clubhouses and crude rules scrawled on paper ripped out of composition books.

4) Small businesses having wacky promotions to the "nth" customer: I think "The 50,000th Customer" depicts about a dozen potential lawsuits if it occurred in 2023.

5) Small businesses, period.

6) Floorwalkers in department stores: Nowadays it's often hard to find anyone in there, let alone someone who casts an imperious eye at you.

7) Nick at Nite: It's been said to death, but it really was cool.

8) Saturday morning cartoons on network television: Ditto.

9) Adding machines: I don't care how powerful and convenient our cellphones are. I want to add stuff up on a machine with loud clangs so I can print out faded numbers on thin, narrow paper.

Well, I don't want to do that, but I want other people to do that.

10) Nosey neighbors: Oh, we still have nosey neighbors, but not really involved busybodies who care about your personal life and are willing to have open hostility with everyone else just because. It's all political today, and that has ruined everything. That kind of "debate" isn't nearly as fun as just disliking your neighbors for who they are.

Star-Spangled Power Rankings!

You may wonder after seeing the 1987 ABC Star-Spangled Celebration we discuss on this week's episode, "Dare they rank everyone on that colossal event? Dare they?"

Well, no, we daren't. What we do have is a smaller list highlighting the top performers in order of how patriotic they seemed to be. Yes, it's subjective. No, we don't mean to imply anyone not on the list was not patriotic. We have to make our arbitrary rankings somehow, though.

1) Yakov Smirnoff: Sometimes it takes someone not born here to show us what a true patriot looks like by pointing out our foibles. And also making fun of the Russkies!

2) Barbara Mandrell: I mean, it looked like she invited half of the country to a barbecue at her place.

3) Suzanne Somers: As Mike notes on the podcast, she seemingly volunteered to take up half the "burden" of filling airtime all by herself!

4) Alabama: Hey, they're named after a state! And not the state of confusion or anything like that, but a genuine member of the U.S. of A.!

5) The Wife of the Vice President of the United States: Barbara Bush was big on literacy, and she represented cause and country well as the spouse of the second-most powerful person in the country!

6) Robert Urich: In his charming performance as co-emcee, he personifies the ol' American spirit of trying to do it all, even if you aren't necessarily suited for it.

7) Chubby Checker: In one energetic segment, the dude tore through half of the Billboard charts of the early days of rock and roll.

8) Phil Driscoll: I thought he looked like an American Joe Cocker out there. Yeah, that's a good thing!

9) Everyone in the North Carolina Jell-O Dump: Is there anything more American than an event like a Jell-O dump?

10) Dennis Weaver: Well, maybe not so much, but he DID play cowboys in his career.

Power Rankings: Hart to Hart!

On this week's podcast, Mike rattles off some of the seemingly endless branches of Hart Industries, which has interests in mining, toys, finance...With the caveat that I have not seen every episode of Hart to hart, nor anything close to it, and that I may well be missing references to these areas of the company, here are my picks for divisions I wish the company had:

1) Hart Heartworks: Let's get it out of the way first: A division devoted to manufacturing and developing components for artificial hearts would be a dream for Jonathan Wagner because it would enable pun opportunities every single day.

2) Hart Colonics: Let's get this one out of the way, too: Can't you imagine Jonathan grinning just before a commercial break and telling Jennifer, "Well, our problems are behind us now"?

3) Hart Inkworks: The Harts open a series of seedy tattoo parlors across the region. Why? "Diversifcation," of course. When shady happenings are reported at the flagship, Jennifer has to go undercover and request a giant back tattoo of Jonathan. We find out that Max already has several--not all of Jonathan.

4) Hart Sports Enterprises: A company to organize the professional sports franchises the Harts own. Since I am making this list based on what I wish I could see on the show, I say give the Harts a Major League Baseball franchise circa 1982 or so. I don't mean have Jonathan buy one, I mean I want him to already own one but just mention it in passing because it's needed for a plot that week.

And to up the ante, have the Harts worried about a drug smuggling ring involving the clubhouse and the team mascot, and have them go undercover to ferret out the details. Naturally you have Jennifer be a hotshot "free agent from nowhere" and Jonathan the mascot.

5) Hart Back Alleys: This underexplored part of the company is responsible for creating noirish backdrops that give the Harts opportunities to don trenchcoats and talk like Bogart and Bacall.

Power Rankings: Canadians who should have been on "The Littlest Hobo"

Power Rankings Friday means we use our scientific, proven methods to rank something related to the show of the week. In this case, it's Canada's The Littlest Hobo, which featured many Canadian actors of renown, many in their early years, but by no means all of them!

Remember, this is based on who would win on a neutral field in Rouleau, Saskatchewan.

1) William Shatner: It's simple: He's gonna be number one or close to it for pretty much any conceivable list like this.

2) Leslie Nielsen: Imagine the off-camera hilarity as the noted prankster tried to blame certain odd sounds and smells on his co-star. And Nielsen would do the same to London, too!

3) Michael J. Fox: "That dog..." [Swigs some orange juice from the bottle] "That dog is special."

4) Kim Cattrall: London and "Lassie" together at last!

5) Eugene Levy: I'm sitting here picturing Levy and the Hobo in the same shot, and for some reason, I am already laughing.

6) Paul Shaffer: "That dog is one kooky cat, I tell ya!"

7) Rowdy Roddy Piper: Piper would have been willing to play the heel and lose out to the Hobo--just as long as he didn't have to take a pinfall, that is. Imagine how much he would have elevated the energy level on the show!

8) Dan Aykroyd: I could see him matching wits with the Hobo as a fast-talking con artist, a fast-talking shady salesman, a fast-talking--Well, you get the idea. Hobo doesn't need dialogue to command the screen, so the two would be a good pair.

9) Bonar Bain: One of our absolute favorite Conrads is of course Mr. Bain, but what a coup it would have been to get his twin brother, also a BOTNS star!

10) Anne Murray: No explanation needed...nor available. Just think of the seismic clamor this would have caused in, say, 1979.

Also receiving votes: Catherine O'Hara, John Candy, Bruce Greenwood, Rick Moranis, Martin Short

Power Rankings: Entertainment Tonight recurring segments that should have been

It's time once again for our official, oft-imitating power rankings! This week we look at regular segments Entertainment Tonight should have had during the 1980s but did not. 

1) Sing Along with John Tesh: The set-up is simple: Clear out space in front of the desk, insert huge piano, let Tesh sit down and tickle the ivories while a guest sings a medley of the week's top 5 hits on the Billboard chart.

2) Face to Face with Ron Hendren: Another segment pairing an anchor with a performer, but in this case Rascally Ron would sit and critique a star's project while that star sat next to him. I don't think Hendren would have any problem being honest in that setting, and it would be a heckuva watch.

I mean, they would actually be side by side because their faces would be looking at a screen, but you get the idea.

3) Nerd Zone: ET could have been way ahead of the "Geek culture" craze by getting out in front of all of it in the early Eighties. It could have hired celebrity "nerd correspondents" like Arvid Engen in character to report on computer games, comic books, and the like.

4) ET Retro: When I say retro, I mean really retro. The series isn't afraid to go for nostalgia or focus on stars of the past every now and then, but I would have liked to have seen the show go wayyyyy back in time every now and then and simulate what the format would resemble in not the 1980s, but the 1880s. Tesh with a stovepipe hat introducing a story about Buffalo Bill's Wild West is my idea of fantastic television.

5) Book reviews: Hey, books are part of "entertainment," right? I don't recall much coverage of anything that wasn't made into a miniseries or written by Jackie Collins. The producers could have given a few minutes a week to some "egghead" to yak about the written word. Dick Cavett could have done this with more than a hint of irony. It may not have been ratings gold, but it would have added to the variety, especially if they enforced a "One Woody a year" policy.

Power Rankings: Night Court!

Here we go! We kick off this new season of the pod with a look at Night Court, and it also time to resume the weekly power ratings. These are scientific analyses of various aspects of the shows we discuss on the podcast. Remember, this is based on who would win if these characters fought in a steel cage at a neutral site in Little Rock, Arkansas.

1) Harry: For few other hit shows would I fear stirring controversy by naming the main character number one. Harry Anderson was a likable performer who grew as time went on, and the series could have used more, not less, of Judge Stone.

2) Dan: What more can we say about Dan Fielding?

Well, that depends on the statute of limitations.

Later Dan = not so great, but early-mid-show's run Dan is gold.

3) Christine: I still think Night Court had some trouble finding her, but Markie Post is one of the iconic performers of the Eighties, and the majority of fans can't consider it "true" Night Court until she comes aboard.

4) Mac: Everybody loves Mac! Even his in-laws. He's the character you most would want to work alongside.

5) Bull: Great for several laugh-out-loud visual gags every few episodes or so, but often provided the show's heart (for better or worse) before it started straining to find it elsewhere.

6) Selma: What a broad! Oh, what a shame it was she didn't last longer. No disrespect meant to Roz, but Selma alone makes much of that "early" Night Court worthwhile, and despite a short stint I consider her a core character/

7) Roz: Or as the captions read in an episode I just saw, "Ros." (The captions are wrong.) Marsha Warfield had a tough job to do but stabilized the role and the show. She could be higher if the show had been able to figure out how to utilize her sooner.

8) Yakov: You may ask, why, for a sitcom that ran 9 seasons, does a character who only appeared in a handful of episodes rank above many others who were more prominent?

Well, have you heard us talk about What a Country?

9) Florence: She left a big impression in her single season and had a lot of potential. Overshadowed by Selma and Roz but worth honoring.

10) Art: The building's resident handyman had some quirks, but I would hire him to work on the house. Art cracks me up, and the series resists the temptation to overexpose him.

Also receiving votes: Phil, Buddy, Liz, Lana, Mel Torme

Not receiving votes: Leon, Tony Giuliano

Power Rankings: Wrapping Up the 12 Days of Christmas Watching 2022

Many of you are off work today, and if you desire some holiday listening, we'd love you to spend part of your day with the podcast. You can find a list of seasonal episodes in this post!

As for me, my holiday watching was a lot different this year, and I wasn't able to get many of my usual specials into the mix, but the 12 Days of Watching gave me a lot of new episodes and plenty of enjoyment! To wrap up the festivities, here is my list of favorites, bottom to top (not counting the commercials):

10) Saturday Night Live: Do I need to see this again? Not unless I am producing a George Foreman documentary. Or a Janeane Garafolo one.

9) Gimme a Break: Nell's Joeymania killed this one for me.

8) Solid Gold Christmas Special 1982: Loved it for what it was, but it might be one and done. After all, I have many other Solid Gold  Christmas episodes to watch!

7) Siskel and Ebert: They just really did not like Christmas Vacation.

6) Hollywood Palace: Can't go wrong with Bing this time of year!

5) Donny and Marie Christmas: I enjoyed this way more than I expected or cared to admit. This is a toss-up with Palace.

4) The Love Boat: Cheesy, corny, often absurd...In other words, classic Love Boat.

3) Wonder Woman: I am not sure this will be a perennial in this house, but what an epsiode! It's more toy-centric than Yule-centric, but I loved watching it.

2) The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet: A tremendous episode that I can see revisiting in future years.

1) Sale of the Century: Call me crazy...crazy for DEALS! I had a blast watching this episode, and though I may not need to see it again anytime soon, this was minute for minute the most Christmasy fun I had in the 12 Days.

Power Rankings: Little House on the Prairie characters (non-Ingalls)

This week on the Power Rankings, we take on the daunting task of rating the many characters on Little House on the Prairie. However, we are adding a twist by eliminating Ingalls family members. So no Charles, no Caroline, no Half-Pint, no Mary, no Carrie and no, uh...all those other adoptees and in-laws.

That still leaves us with a great field!

Remember, these rankings consider if these characters squared off against each other on a neutral grass field in Mankato, Minnesota.

1) Isiah Edwards: Yes, it's been said that the man drinks too much, uses crude language, smells too much, and other offenses...and that's just what Caroline has said! But he's a great pal for not just Charles, but the whole Ingalls family, and he is a fine family man in his own right.

2) Doc Baker: He's not perfect--no doctor is (well, except hopefully mine)--but Hiram Baker seems a fundamentally decent guy. His handling of the frostbite outbreak in "Blizzard" is superb.

3) Nels Oleson: This man put up with so much every day, all while running a mercantile in a town where half the eligible buyers had no money half the time. It's a wonder he didn't snap.

4) Nellie Oleson: This placement might be controversial. Some fans may think she's too low, while others may think I give too much credit. When I was growing up, she had "go away heat" with me, and I thought the character was insufferable without being all that entertaining. I appreciate her more now, and also I think she was  featured in a lot less episodes than I would have guessed.

5) Jonathan Garvey: It's Merlin Olsen. 'Nuff said.

6) Lars Hansen: One of the more underrated characters on the show, Hansen ran the mill with a kind heart without sacrificing good business principles. Considering his role in founding the town, he could have been an imperious presence but instead was a great neighbor and friend.

7) Harriet Oleson: See #4, but imagine someone twice as annoying. She's a great heel on the show, though.

8) Miss Eva Beadle: OK, one can question her judgment in sending the kids out into a blizzard, but overall she wanted the best for those children. Or at least most of them.

9) Reverend Alden: You can't tell me Alden ever puts his hand in the till in an inappropriate way! The spiritual leader of Walnut Grove is a source of inspiration and leadership for the community, though he seems oddly powerless before Harriet.

10) Grace Edwards: Isiah's wife puts up with him, so anything her character does has to be seen through that filter.

Also receiving votes: Willie Oleson (a paste eater), Nancy Oleson (basically a Nellie replacement), Mrs. Whipple (a nice employer for Mary), the Edwards and Garvey kids.

Power Rankings: Bosom Buddies essential episodes

We described the short-lived (but still remembered) ABC sitcom Bosom Buddies as uneven for a variety of reasons but mentioned that the series improved in the second season. Where to start if you want to sample the show? Well, we recommend  "Waterballoongate" as a sampler, but here is a list of other decent episodes from someone who has seen 'em all:

1) Pilot: It sets things up very well--maybe too well; the shot-on-film first episode is way better than much of what follows it.

2) All You Need Is Love: Looks at that great 1980s fad--video dating services--and features fun guest stars like Rita Wilson and Stepfanie Kramer. More importantly, it's funny; the reveal involving Wilson's character is great.

3) Who's on Thirst: I believe this is one of the more well-known episodes of the show, and I can say that rewatching it for the podcast, I remembered some of the specific gags 35-40 years later. (I may have first seen it in a rerun). Kip and Henry get stranded in a cabin and become increasingly desperate.

4) The Way Kip and Henry Were: I really enjoy this look at how the lads got a job with Ruth right after (Well, not quite, as we learn) graduating college. It ends on a poignant moment that actually works.

5) The Rewrite: This is one of the first-season episodes that gets at the potential of the show--a little unhinged and goofy, sometimes even surreal, but saying something about the characters.

And 5 other episodes to check out to get a feel for the series:

1) Gotta Dance: It features several things I generally dislike when the show features them: singing/dancing, fake commercials--but it does it much better than many other episodes and features some insight into Kip's relationship with Sunny.

2) There's No Business: This explains how the guys create their 60 Seconds Street agency (though it doesn't go into detail on that sign) with a slimy turn by Joe Regalbuto.

3) The Two Percent Solution: Bringing in Ruth as a silent partner (see the previous entry) was a little flimsy, but this episode looks at the dynamic of the trio (plus Amy, who has the titular interest) as business partners. It's an interesting approach.

4) The Road to Monte Carlo: A life-changing incident, kind of a funny accident, really, makes Kip and Henry re-evaluate their lives.

5) The Truth and Other Lies: Here's where the show, for all intents and purposes, ditches the central cross-dressing gimmick and has the guys come clean.

Power Rankings: Guest stars in "Cop of the Year"

There's little point in ranking the cast members of McMillan and Wife--John Schuck, duh--but there are so many interesting people in Season 3's "Cop of the Year" that it is fun to rate them. Remember, this is based on how these people would do if they squared off on a neutral site in Banff, Alberta:

1) John Astin: I'm counting him as a guest, even though the character Sykes appeared in two other episodes, because I hadn't seen those others when I watched "Cop of the Year." Astin's offbeat energy and interactions with Mac and Enright really elevate the episode and add some flavor to what could have been a standard "lab guy" police show character.

2) Lorraine Gary: She's melodramatic, yes. She's over the top, yes. She's--where was I going with this? Oh, yes, she's entertaining and creates a memorable villain. It's another unique persona that adds to the distinctive nature of the episode.

3) Edmond O'Brien: EOB is just so easy to dislike in this one, bringing the heat right away as Enright's former father-in-law. Even when you realize he's suffering from long-term paste poisoning (NOTE: This is total conjecture from us and not stated in the teleplay), you can't help but hate the old cuss.

4) Vito Scotti: You could be forgiven for assuming his information-wielding Alonzo is a regular on the series. At least, I hope so, because I assumed that! It appears that though he was in several other episodes, this was the only one where he played Alonzo, and he did exactly what you'd want Vito Scotti to do.

5) Michael Ansara: I was a  little disappointed the show didn't do more with his hotshot lawyer who defended Enright, but as I mentioned on the podcast, that one cool semi-argument scene he had with Mac was stellar.

6) Karate guy: All right, the man has a name. It's Colby Chester, and he had a long run on The Young and the Restless and all kinds of solid credits. I still think of him as Karate Guy because of his aggrieved brother's threats to Mac, even though I don't think karate was even the martial art he bragged about practicing.

7) Charles Nelson Reilly: "Hey, Chuck, be 'eccentric' and annoying." "You got it!"

8) Kenneth Mars: A notable performer who is relatively subdued here.

9) Paul Winchell: It's barely a cameo, and I don't think he even gets a close-up, so that's why he gets the bottom spot--not due to the long-simmering feud between he and Mike that we exposed on the pod.