Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Batty Awards Aftermath: Winners and Losers

We all know the actual winners but and losers, but what about the semi-actual winners and losers--those hidden victors and vanquished who may not be as obvious to the untrained eye? We surveyed a group of anonymous seasoned Batty observers to compile the following list. This information may be useful to those looking to handicap next season's awards show. I understand early lines are already in development. If you find it ridiculous that a show as...freewheeling as the Batty Awards can earn gambling action, well, just remember that the same people take bets on pastimes as ludicrous as dog shows, WWE events and, perhaps silliest of all, NFL games.

WINNER: Three's Company: It lost to Taxi for Outstanding Series but otherwise cleaned up, with only Stanley Roper missing out for best eyebrows--and even that could be spun as a victory of sorts for his lovable loser persona. The dominant performance is a thumb to the eye (or, apropos for this series, a knee to the groin) to those who call for BOTNS to cover more highbrow material like In Search Of.

LOSER: Eight Is Enough: Forecasted as a big winner due to the hype it received throughout the season, the family dramedy settled for a Best Song win.

WINNER: Mustaches:  Batty deliberation by Rick and Mike prove it is again n up year for the 'stache, which traditionally holds dominion over beards on BOTNS.

LOSER: The economist from The Tomorrow Show:  Not only did he lose Biggest Dope, he wasn't even nominated for Outstanding Facial Hair. Even worse, he reportedly panicked by selling and rebuying during the stock market declines last week and lost thousands of dollars.

WINNER: Professional wrestling: Is it a sport or not? Who cares when it is legitimized by 3 Batty nominations and one win?

LOSER: Bowling: The biggest star in Celebrity Bowling was Ernie Borgnine, who wasn't even allowed to speak on camera despite sitting in the front row and watching the action. Months later, and we still don't fully understand the "best ball" rules. One can't help but imagine Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura would have clarified them for  the viewing audience.

WINNER: Ricky Schroeder: Losing twice in a row in the same category led to whispers calling him the Susan Lucci of the Battys, which, come to think of it, probably still infuriates him less than being called "Ricky" did in the Nineties.

LOSER: Human element--perhaps even humanity's precarious dominion over this very planet: The Random Number Generator is so effective at determining Batty Awards, many are wondering if it might choose all awards next year, and if so, what is stopping it from recording the entire podcast by itself? That presents an obvious slippery slope to oblivion for humankind.

No comments:

Post a Comment