Tale of the Tape: Abraham Lincoln vs. Dolan

On Presidents Day, we celebrate the monumental legacies of former presidents Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. Every day, we at BOTNS celebrate the monumental legacy of Dolan from the Lowenbrau commercial.

I hate to pit two equally great men against each other, but just for fun, as a sporting proposition, let's compare these legendary figures. With apologies to Nick Bakay, we give you...

TALE OF THE TAPE: ABRAHAM LINCOLN VS. BOB DOLAN

Category: Primary occupation
Lincoln: 16th prez of the USA
Dolan: Associate at unspecified firm
Edge: Lincoln, but remember we're judging Dolan by his 1977 status.

Category: Personal sacrifice
Lincoln: Staked his life on preserving the future of the Union
Dolan: Braved crosstown traffic to get a huge steak
Edge: Dolan. Lincoln never had to deal with rush hour

Category: Ideal night of entertainment
Lincoln: Our American Cousin at Ford's Theater
Dolan: The Knicks at the Garden
Edge: Dolan. The Knicks were pretty cool in the 70s, and we can only guess about the performance until someone discovers what Mary actually said when asked, "Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"

Category: Theme song
Lincoln: "Hail to the Chief"
Dolan: "Let It Be Lowenbrau"
Edge: Dolan. HIS theme song won a Batty.

Category: Right-hand man
Lincoln: Secretary of State William Seward
Dolan: Michael Moriarty
Edge: Lincoln. Given Moriarty's rep, it's surprising that Seward was the only one who experienced a knife attack.

Category: Archenemy
Lincoln: John Wilkes Booth
Dolan: Ed in Human Resources
Edge: Lincoln: Let's face it, Booth is one of history's biggest villains, but no one at the firm is a match for Dolan.

Category: Signature look
Lincoln: Stovepipe hat
Dolan: Tasteful jacket/tie
Edge: Lincoln with the extra flair, but in fairness to Dolan, he's coming straight from work and Manny's probably has a dress code.

Category: Obstacles caused by subordinates
Lincoln: Frustrated by indecision of incompetent generals
Dolan: Nonplussed by indecision of Frank when looking at the menu
Edge: Dolan

Category: Reputation
Lincoln: Validated by hundreds of historians and scholars
Dolan: Validated by a dead ringer for Jimmy Valvano
Edge: Lincoln...barely

Category: Leadership style
Lincoln: Deliberates over agonizing decisions
Dolan: Knows exactly what he wants
 
Category: Stance on conflict
Lincoln: A house divided against itself cannot stand
Dolan: If you guys work out the carpool situation, I can get us courtside next Friday
Edge: Dolan. It took Lincoln 4 years to achieve peace!

Category: Signature speech
Lincoln: Four score and seven years ago...(The Gettysburg Address)
Dolan: Give the me the biggest steak you got and a bottle 'a Lowenbrau
Edge: Dolan--He gets right to the point.

TOTAL: When you look at the numbers, Dolan wins 7-5 in an upset...or is it an upset? As beloved as he is today, Abraham Lincoln was a controversial and divisive figure in his day, but everyone in the office loved Dolan. Even Ed from Human Resources eventually accepted an invite to enjoy Mrs. Dolan's cooking and Bob's famous mashed potatoes.

Frank's Diary

The crack research team at Battle of the Network Shows managed to get its hands on the diary of Frank, least memorable member of Bob Dolan's crew in the Lowenbrau ad. We offer these exclusive insights into a man, even with his diary in our possession, known simply as Frank.

October 2, 1972: Dear diary, we brought on a new hire today named Bob Dolan. He's already a hit here in the office, talking sports, telling jokes (he knows them all), and taking to his training like the proverbial duck to water. Why, by the end of the day, everyone had stopped calling him Bob and started calling him Dolan. A sure sign of charisma. Note: Jimmy V. kept a wary eye on him. Does he see competition?

October 27, 1972: With the Watergate scandal in the air, a lot of Nixons showed up at the office Halloween party at Manny's Steaks. Dolan didn't wear a costume. He doesn't need to to get attention. Instead, he held court in a round booth, telling stories too scary to believe about his encounters with a strange family that, he swears, looked like movie monsters. A natural storyteller, he roped us in, then let us doubt, then roped us back in. The kicker, photographs! One shows a young Dolan with a swell gal, the other her creepy uncle. That Dolan. I managed to snap Polaroids of them while he wasn't looking, and I've reproduced them here.

December 22, 1972: Well, Dolan hasn't moved up the work ranks yet, but, boy, has he moved up the social ranks. Jimmy V. has all but ceded leadership to him amongst our little crew. Only, Dolan plays it so relaxed that a casual observer might not notice the difference. He's even gotten Mike to shut up with all his Nixon support. He bought the four of tickets to a Knicks game. I wish I liked basketball more. I didn't say anything, though.

February 14, 1973: Dear diary, I bought Beatrice a station wagon today, as an anniversary present. One year ago, we moved into our house in Fair Lawn. Jimmy V. and Mike went out on the town looking for lovely ladies. Dolan said he had other plans.

February 15, 1973: Dolan got married last night! We celebrated with steaks at Manny's. I'd have rather had the stuffed flounder, but Dolan ordered before I could speak up.

June 12, 1973: Dolan got a promotion today. As unofficial office photographer, I snapped a shot (added to entry July 10, 1973 --F.). He's now an associate. Well done, Dolan!

April 6, 1974: A banner day at Casa Frank. Dolan, Mrs. Dolan, Jimmy V. and his latest, and Mike and his latest rode the train out to Fair Lawn to watch the Mets play the Phillies on TV, try out my new charcoal grill, and just have a good time. At one point, Dolan took me aside and asked a lot of questions about Fair Lawn, the prices, the commute, even schools (is a little Dolan on the way?). I gave him fair and balanced advice. I think he expects that from me, being the numbers man that I am. Intriguing.

April 18, 1974: At lunch today, Dolan dropped a bomb. He and Mrs. Dolan are moving to Fair Lawn! I was very pleased to hear this, but then Dolan suggested the guys do the same, and it only took a minute or two of Dolan charm to win them over. He doesn't work in sales, but he could sell anything. I'd suggested the same thing to Jimmy V. and Mike a couple years ago, and they laughed at me. For minutes.

August 9, 1974: A sad day for America.

October 26, 1974: Now that everyone's made their way to the suburbs, we hosted a Halloween party. Lo and behold, even Dolan wore a costume. Here is in my rumpus room as a California Highway Patrolman. (Picture inserted November 15, 1974 --F).

June 21, 1975: Dolan had us all over again, this time to enjoy his brand-new above-ground pool. We had quite a time, and Dolan had something kind of special for us, a new German beer called Lowenbrau. I detected hints of oak in it.

November 6, 1975: Dolan got promoted again. I'm happy for him, but I'll note that I haven't had a promotion since 1971, and with a mortgage and two children, I could use one. (Picture inserted December 10, 1975 --F.)

Note: From what we can tell, Frank stopped writing in his diary from January 1976 till January 1977.

January 1, 1977: New Year's Resolution. Enjoy your life, love your wife, love your children, ignore all else.

March, 19, 1977: Dolan brokered peace between Jimmy V. (and by extension Mike) and me. To celebrate, we had Lowenbrau. If I'm honest, I still have mixed feelings about the situation and Dolan's role in it, but we're co-workers and neighbors. As part of the deal, I've agreed to drive us into work three days a week. The other two, we take the train. No one else has a car large enough for four. Bea won't be happy.

May 25, 1977: I don't know how he knew, but Dolan knew. We saw the most amazing movie today. It might have changed my life.

November 24, 1977: Thanksgiving at Dolan's. Mrs. Dolan can put on a feast, and Dolan made his famous mashed potatoes. It was our first chance to meet Little Jimmy V., only home from the hospital for a month now. He has his father's looks.

December 17, 1977: A quick note before I leave work. Meeting the guys at Manny's and, we hope, seeing the Knicks play the Bulls. Dolan still has to find tickets. I think I'll get the stuffed flounder.

Show Notes: Episode 6, "Lowenbrau"

*Arthur Prysock, the singer of the "Let It Be Lowenbrau" jingle, was a jazz singer who lived from 1929 to 1997. All-Music Guide says: Arthur Prysock was perfectly at home singing jazz, blues, or R&B, but his smooth-as-silk baritone made him a superbly effective (and underappreciated) pop crooner in the manner of his chief influence, Billy Eckstine.

*The great Robert Pine's most famous role was as Sgt. Gertraer in the NBC show CHiPs, but he has had a long and varied career. He's still around at age 75 and is the father of actor Chris Pine. I have a feeling this won't be the last we see of Pine on the podcast...

*Spuds Mackenzie was a Bud Light-loving terrier who rose to fame in the 1980s. He (actually a she, but who's counting) was always surrounded by babes who, of course, also loved Bud Light.

*The 1976-1977 Knicks were only 40-42, but in the 1977-1978 season, they finished second in the division and won a playoff series before losing to Philly in the Eastern Conference finals. Hopefully Dolan and his boys saw a good game that night.

*Munich-based Lowenbrau ("Lion's brew") beer was brewed by Miller at the time of this commercial, but now it is part of the massive Anheuser-Busch InBev empire.

*The Tv Guide game begins at 30:30.

*At Ease, created by John Hughes, was an "homage" to The Phil Silvers Show but unlike that classic, this one only lasted several months.

*Renegades was a short-lived series after airing as a TV movie on August 11, 1982. The Complete Directory to Prime Time Network and Cable TV  Shows mentions the Mod Squad similarity and adds, "Their undercover operations often included finking on their own generation...although there was usually a crooked adult behind it all."

*Tales of the Gold Monkey debuted in Fall 1982 airing at 8:00 Wednesdays, then moved to 10:00 Fridays for two months before finishing its lone season at 9:00-10:00 back on Wednesdays. Shout! Factory released the series on DVD.

*James Shigeta had a long and distinguished career and was in seemingly every TV show of the 1970s.

*Check out our YouTube channel for this episode's playlist, featuring plenty more Lowenbrau ads...and more!

Episode 6: Let it be Lowenbrau

This week, we make the argument for the greatest beer commercial--and one of the greatest commercials--ever made. Robert Pine, Michael Moriarty, a guy who looks like Jim Valvano, and a guy possibly named Frank shill for Lowenbrau and encapsulate an era of America in 30 glorious seconds, and we talk about it for 30 glorious minutes! Plus the TV Guide Game. Drinking game: drink a bottleo'lowenbrau every time we say, "Dolan."

Check out this episode!