Laurie and I decided to watch aLittle House on the Prairieepisode the other night and, being in the mood for something light, I chose "Castoffs," the opener of the fourth season and first appearance of Jonathan Garvey, the character played by NFL Hall of Famer Merlin Olsen as sort of a less-crude replacement for Victor French's Isiah Edwards after French departed the series.
Garvey is a light character, and surely his introduction to Walnut Grove must be amusing, right? Welllll...
On one hand, there is a light touch in "Castoffs." An eccentric old woman (Hermione Baddely, fresh from Maude and destined to return herself in a couple more LHOPs) is living in the frame of a house, and the town ponders whether to "allow" her into their church each Sunday.
The adults think she's nuts, but the kids embrace her, and Laura advises Garvey to seek her out for the crick in his back.
Wait, who? Yes, Garvey has no big introduction. He just IS. I guess he's been there all the time. Well, that would be well enough, though personally I think if you get Merlin, you build the whole episode around him. He does show some personality, like an inclination to rely on "medicine" to cure his back pain, but it's not his episode.
The issue here is that something far more momentous and far less humorous happens in this episode--early on, in fact. SPOILERS AHEAD...
You see, Laura is in a state of trauma for much of "Castoffs" because her dog dies! Beloved pooch Jack shuffles off this mortal coil early on, and while we don't see him literally dying, we DO have to observe Charles coming in, checking him out, taking a pulse and doing an autopsy (OK, I am exaggerating, but it feels a little drawn out) and confirming the poor creature is dead. Shirtless, I might add.
But that's not all! It's even sadder that it appears--and the death of a pet who is a regular on the series is pretty sad--because the day before, Jack was trying to get Laura to play with him, but she brushed him off. So we have the double whammy of a departed family member and the crippling guilt a survivor must endure.
But let's not complicate this. THE DOG DIED! We prepared to see how Merlin Olsen got his start on LHOP, and, WHAM, because it's Walnut grove and every moment of potential joy must be balanced by crushing despair, we see a pet death.
Here is the description of the episode on the Peacock site. Just for fun of the light, non-dog-dying variety, see if you can tell what is not included:
Only Walnut Grove's children welcome an old wanderer.
I don't see any mention of Jack dying!
It's an entertaining episode with warmth and valuable life lessons, and I doubt I'm really giving much away by saying Laura winds up finding some happiness with a stray dog who just happens to be roaming around after Jack's passing. There is even a comedy bit with Mr. Oleson (not to be confused with Mr. Merlin Olsen) getting inebriated by the water that has been tainted with Garvey's "medicine."
But, Heavens to Reverend Alden, I was not expecting what I got in "Castoffs." The life lesson WE learned was, never, ever expect to get away from Walnut Grove without some kind of depressing or downright devastating traumatic incident.
In the interest of doing what Landon does in this episode and bringing everyone back up to a high note and a happier level, check out the great juxtaposition of two temperamentally opposite characters in this shot, though, and kudos to director Michael Landon:
A good show can't live on its main cast alone. Think of all the great supporting characters on shows like Seinfeld,Newhart, and The Simpsons, or even someone like Frasier from Cheers, who went from recurring character to main cast member to star of his own show. On Silver Spoons, dquare-jawed buffoon Bob Danish (John Reilly) has that same potential, although he only appears in two season one episodes "Falling in Love Again" and "Won't You Go Home, Bob Danish?"
In "Falling in Love Again," he shows up near the end as a foil for Edward as Kate uses him to make Edward jealous. Still, Reilly and Bob Danish make the most of it, and the audience learns the basic elements of Bob Danish. Bob Danish is a pilot, and that makes Bob Danish cool. Bob Danish takes everything in stride, even his romantic rival declaring his love in front of him and all of Carnegie Hall. If you're a kid, Bob Danish calls you Scooter.
"Won't You Go Home, Bob Danish?" gives Bob Danish the spotlight, and while all the Bob Danish basics remain intact, Bob Danish gets more room to move and, dare I say it, some depth. In this episode, Bob Danish buzzes Edward's house in his airplane, thinking Kate's there, only to crash the plane in the backyard. His parachute conveniently lands at the back of the set, but he injures his leg when Edward and Ricky cut him down. The plane belonged to his girlfriend, who shows up and dumps him, and Bob Danish becomes an unwelcome house guest (except to Scooter Ricky who invited him to stay in the first place).
Let's work through the episode by working through the Bob Danish Handbook.
PLAY IT COOL
When Edward asks what happened, Bob Danish says, "Well, Eddie, I'd say we had a, uh, bit of a plane crash."
When Bob Danish struggles to walk to his plane (before it explodes), Edward tells him he's hurt his leg. Bob Danish says, "It's all right. I've got a backup."
When Bob Danish knocks over a vase, he says, "First the plane crash, and now this. Ever have one of those days?"
When Edward yells at him about the chaos in the backyard--burning plane, debris everywhere, burning greenhouse, firefighters everywhere--Bob Danish says, "My goof, OK?"
When Bob Danish sees Kate...
When Kate rolls her eyes and leaves the room...
SCOOTER
Bob Danish continues to call Ricky Scooter, even after Ricky requests he call him Ricky, and this leads to a short vaudeville routine.
BOB: My dad used to call me Scooter, Scooter.
RICKY: Your dad used to call you Scooter Scooter?
BOB: No. He just called me Scooter, Scooter.
REFER TO YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON
Bob Danish* does this on a fairly regular basis, but he doesn't stop there. He also has at least two nicknames for himself: The Great Dane and Roberto Danishero.
Along the same lines, he refers to his dad as "The greatest man who ever walked the Earth, my dad Dan Danish**," multiple times.
*Ricky almost always refers to Bob Danish as Bob Danish and not Bob or Mr. Danish. **Sad but true, the greatest man who ever walked the Earth, Bob Danish's Dad Dan Danish, died after a piano fell on him.
This brings us to that "depth" I mentioned earlier, as we dig into the lesser known chapters of the Bob Danish Handbook.
BOB DANISH KEEPS MEMENTOS
He has a whole photo album but not just of photos. It includes parsley from the one date he had with Kate, and later he adds a handkerchief.
EVEN BOB DANISH HAS FEELINGS
After a few days, Bob Danish has made himself at home, eating a sandwich with "some kind of beef" on it (prime rib) and even taking a message about an urgent call for Edward. He can't remember the details but thinks Larry or Harry called. Then he finds a note his pocket. Frank called.
Edward has had enough and wants to kick him how...so he allows Kate to volunteer. She did cause this problem she argues, and Edward doesn't argue back even though she should. She can't help it if Bob Danish digs her.
Anyhow, Kate tells off Bob Danish, and his veneer of cool finally gives. What man's wouldn't if Erin Gray told him she didn't like him?
Crushed Bob Danish.
Kate feels bad about it and wants to fix it. Edward volunteers but only so someone else will, which Ricky does (technically, it is Ricky's fault).
REAL MEN DON'T CRY
Bob Danish has packed up most of his stuff when Ricky finds him. He's still feeling lousy about the whole week, what with the plane and Kate--"That gal's the greatest thing since Lava Lamps"--hurting him that he almost cries, but the greatest man who ever walked the Earth, Bob Danish's dad Dan Danish, told him real men don't cry. Well, the other greatest man who ever walked the Earth, Ricky Stratton's dad Edward Stratton III, told Ricky otherwise, that expressing your feelings and crying helps.
Bob Danish gives it a try, a real try, weeping with great sound and fury, enough to bring Edward and Kate out from the library. Bob Danish liked crying, and he's ready to leave.
EXIT COOL
Bob Danish gets his composure back, calls Ricky Ricky, and offers a romantic, near poetic exit line. Kate asks who wrote it. Bob pulls something out of his pocket and says, "Some clown at a match factory." Cool.
FINAL THOUGHTS
The writers and John Reilly do a bang-up job with Bob Danish. I'd like to think Reilly's performance in "Falling In Love Again" inspired them to write this episode, but I wish they'd brought him back (even if I can't readily see those episodes). Sure he had a great exit, but characters don't change that much in sitcoms, and he could have lived to annoy again.
Imagine an episode where Ricky, Edward, and Bob Danish end up stranded on an island together after he crashes another plane. Imagine an episode where Ricky, Edward, and Bob Danish end up stranded in the jungle together after he crashes another plane. Imagine an episode where Ricky, Edward, and Bob Danish end up stranded in Denmark after a snowstorm grounds Bob Danish's plane.
Reilly has had a prolific, varied career as a primetime guest star and regular in soaps but far fewer comedy credits than this performance would suggest (multiple of episodes of Arli$$ and Son of the Beach among others). Too bad, but in this age of TV revivals, one can dream of a new show called...BOB DANISH.
If you've listened to our Golden Girls episode (see in player above), you know we love Burt, but we also love Mickey Rooney (The Mickster going forward). In "Larceny and Old Lace" (season 3, episode 21), The Mickster pays a visit as Sophia's new boyfriend Rocco. Sophia met him at the police station while trying to identify a purse snatcher, and they hit it off. Rocco was caught spray-painting something obscene on a billboard of Spuds MacKenzie.
The man, the myth, The Mickster
Dorothy doesn't much care for Rocco, and this creates a role-reversal gag throughout the episode with Dorothy playing mom to Sophia's rebellions teenager. She tells Rose that Sophia came home "with NyQuil on her breath and his surgical stockings in her pocket." She doesn't know what that means, but she doesn't like it.
Rocco certainly talks a big game. At one point, he tells Dorothy if she had a suit and a higher voice she could pass for notorious gangster Frank Nitti, and he claims to have known him, Dutch Schultz, and Al Capone. He also says he "ran Detroit." Later, Rocco shows up with a grocery cart full of his stuff (most notably a deer head and a satchel) because he doesn't have room on his apartment...or does he?
In the slightly predictable and quickly dispensed with B story, Blanche has been giving Rose an extra hard time. She found and broke into Rose's diary only to read about two awful, snoring, belching pigs. Dorothy chastises Blanche for reading the diary, but of course, she succumbs to temptation and tries to break into it as soon as Blanche leaves the room. Later, Rose catches them and rightly gets angry at their violation of her privacy, refusing to talk to them. Guilt-ridden, Dorothy and Blanche end up in Sophia's bedroom, seeking advice, and then Rose comes along and reveals the diary was her 4-H pig diary...about literal pigs. They make up.
Rocco's satchel falls on the floor, opening and dumping out thousands of dollars in cash. Sophia says they stopped by a bank earlier, and he ran out, and they know he must have held up the bank. She calls him, and he admits the truth, saying he did it for her and that he's coming over.
While they wait for Rocco, the other girls reminisce about the most romantic moments of their lives. Blanche tells a touching (but of course sexy) story about her courtship with her late husband punctuated with a stupid question by Rose and two amazing takes by McClanahan and Arthur.
Dorothy's tells a more rough-around-the-edges story about her ex-husband Stan proposing to her. It includes a ring in a champagne glass, Dorothy accidentally swallowing it, and the phrase "three days later."
Finally, Rocco arrives, struggling to climb over the patio wall, then trying to get Sophia to run away with him. She refuses. He comes clean. He's no tough guy. He told those stories to impress her. He was an "assistant" cook at a chowder house in Bayonne, New Jersey. He robbed the bank so he could treat her like a queen. Sophia explains he doesn't need to do fancy things for her. He always treats her like a queen. They reconcile.
Aww.
Except a mention in the last scene, Rocco never appears on the show again. Did he go to jail? Did he die? Did they just break up?
Forget it, Jake. It's Sitcom Town.
Other thoughts:
Sophia says Rocco is 85, but The Mickster was a youthful 68 in 1988.
The Mickster kills it, playing puffed up, weird (the scene with the grocery cart), hurt, and sweet. He also gets some good jokes and reactions.
All the Golden Girls have moments, too, both comedic and serious:
Rose seems genuinely hurt by her friends' betrayal of her, but she also has a number of classic naive/dumb lines.
The role reversal with Dorothy works well, and she gets annoyed by just about everyone, plus she shows remorse for hurting Rose.
Blanche tells that wonderful story (it really is nice if a little "intimate"), but she gets plenty of funny business and a number of good takes not just reacting to Rose but reacting to Dorothy trying to open the diary.
Sophia shoots off her normal zingers and insults but has that nice moment with Rocco.
At the end, Dorothy has a one-sided phone call with Sophia (who says she's staying at Rocco's) and says, "I should do what to myself?" Don't say this show didn't have an edge.
Pop culture references:
The aforementioned Spuds MacKenzie
Sophia calls Dorothy Donald Trump (page hits, here we come) after she breaks up Sophia and Rocco's game of strip poker
Dorothy has a line about Spiro Agnew
Rose questions whether George Bush (H.W. model) is married to his mother.
No one eats cheesecake in this episode either. Big-name guest stars must have affected the cheesecake budget.
Can anyone identify this board game? It involves trivia but looks like a Sorry type game. Probably isn't real, but I thought I'd ask.
Ah, yes, Tom Selleck and Robert Pine, two actors who go together like Lowenbrau and steak. As promised on our Magnum P.I. episode, we bring you a look at Robert Pine's appearance on a very important episode of Magnum as none other than Thomas Magnum's dad...Thomas Magnum.* We've made our love for BATTY-Award ™ winner Robert Pine abundantly clear, and this episode only reinforces said feelings.
*The Magnum Mania episode description includes information on some in-show discrepancies about their generational designations, concluding that Pine plays Thomas Sullivan Magnum III and Selleck plays Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV. This episode implies a senior-junior relationship, but the series finale reveals that Magnum's grandfather and great grandfather also carried the name Thomas Sullivan Magnum. "Home From the Sea" also establishes Magnum's birth year as 1945, although other episodes contradict that.
Let's get the bad news out of the way first. Selleck and Pine don't appear in any scenes together (unless you count disembodied voice-over). With these two powerhouses, however, this doesn't diminish the episode, and their performances still create a real, indelible connection between the two characters.
"Home From the Sea" originally aired September 29, 1983, as the season four premiere and squarely in the peak era for Magnum.It lands at number six on Magnum Mania's Top 40 List (seven season four episodes make this list, which technically has 46 episodes). It also marks the first in a series of three episodes set on July 4, all featuring Magnum in some kind of peril partly because, as we learn here, he prefers to spend the Fourth by himself, understandable given what this episode reveals but a little unwise given the predicaments this leads to.
The episode begins with Magnum on the ocean on his surf ski, his voice-over explaining his desire to spend the holiday alone. While he takes a breather, a speed boat whips past him, its wake capsizing him, and the waves carrying his surf ski away. Magnum gives them a peace of his mind, but of course, they still don't notice him.
It doesn't take long for him to explain the potentially dire circumstances. Though only three miles offshore, an easy swim for him, he could get caught in the Moloka'i Express, a fast current between the islands of O'ahu and Moloka'i that could send him all the way to Alaska! He swims in the direction he thinks his surf ski drifted, but the audience sees he's made a bad choice.
We cut away from Magnum to check in on Higgins, T.C., and Rick. Higgins wants to whip some Yankee butt in an annual polo competition. T.C. is taking his little league team to a minor league baseball game (and forcing them to sing the "cornball" "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"). Rick has taken a yacht trip with a beautiful if unsophisticated young woman in a bikini. During their scenes, they all have vague premonitions that Magnum's in some kind of danger, and T.C. even remembers a Fourth of July when he dropped Magnum and a surfboard in the ocean.
Magnum treads water, and here we get to the meat--and the Pine--of the episode as we flash back to a beach near San Diego in 1950. A five-year-old Magnum treads water, trying to beat his own record, his dad timing and encouraging him, pushing him to work harder but with the right balance of enthusiasm and discipline, never making his son feel bad and making him feel great about his accomplishments.
Back onshore, we see Magnum's mom, and these three make a picture-perfect family, but we learn that isn't quite the case. The elder Magnum, a Navy pilot, has to ship out to Korea soon, but he promises a watch identical to his if lil' Magnum can reach a new goal by the time he returns--treading water for one hour.
This memory gives present-day Magnum the strength to continue to tread water and fight his fatigue and fear. That fear only grows when a shark begins circling him.
In another flashback, we see the Magnum family at night on the beach. Lil' Magnum worries about monsters, but Dad gives him some advice, telling him that if he names the monsters they won't seem as scary. They name the monster Herman and yell at him to go away. In the present, Magnum does the same with the shark...and it works!
Donald Bellisario's script and Pine's performance (along with child actor R.J. Williams and Susan Blanchard as Katherine Magnum) create a believable but perfect father figure. He's a good-looking military man who encourages his son in athletic endeavors, but unlike many men of his generation, he doesn't dismiss or even discourage his son's feelings. Instead, he offers patient advice on how to overcome them. In an unspoken way, he also seems to be preparing Magnum in case he doesn't return from Korea.
In fact, he doesn't return alive. In a scene that cuts between the present and Magnum trying to continue to tread water until the sunrise and a flashback. In the past, Katherine counts down as young Magnum approaches the one-hour mark. Back in the present, T.C. and Higgins approach via helicopter (along with Rick who had unwittingly passed Magnum in the night, they've figured out the situation). Magnum's mom continues to count down. Behind her a Navy car pulls to a stop, and a man in uniform. Young Magnum nears his record. Higgins leaps from the helicopter with a life preserver, but Magnum can't stop. He needs to do it "for dad." The Naval officer stands behind Katherine. We don't hear the news, but we don't have to. In the present Magnum beats the record allows Higgins to take hold of him as he shouts, "I did it, Dad!"
Then we get our final flashback, the elder Magnum's military funeral. It happens on July 4, 1951, and we now know why Magnum prefers to spend the holiday alone.
Pine, Williams, and Blanchard carry much of the episode, but not surprisingly, the regular cast does stellar work, as well. Selleck spends the entire episode in the water and has to play varying degrees of desperation, delusion, grief, hope. The others play both their concern for their friend and light comedy. Higgins gets fed up with Yanks and, as usual, remains oblivious to the romantic advances of his friend Agatha. He also tells a pretty great story.* T.C. has to deal the kids on his team, and Rick tries to play lady's man, even while questioning his date's taste in wine. We also learn a great deal about Magnum and some of the sources of both his haunted nature and his tenacious attitude. A top episode for certain and highly recommended.
*[A premonition] happened to me once before, you know, in Pakistan just after the War, Teddy Fabishaw and I. He was a young lieutenant then, good officer, but he had this uncontrollable desire to worship lizards. Cost him his commission when he was caught with Colonel Meacham's daughter and an iguana behind the regimental stables, committing what can only be described as the most abhorrent act of perversion known to man or reptile.
As we mentioned with very little enthusiasm during our Diff'rent Strokes episode, the later years of the show featured new "cute kid" Sam (Danny Cooksey). The redheaded son of Drummond's new wife (Dixie Carter/Mary Ann Mobley), Sam played Arnold's foil/compadre, allowing Arnold to play big brother. As a kid watching at the time, it seemed Gary Coleman had gotten too old and saddled with seriousness and a dopey sidekick. I didn't like it, and it soured me on the show.
Because we'll go to great lengths for our listeners, I decided to watch a couple Sam episodes and see if that feeling held up. I will say I don't blame Cooksey for any faults I found then or now. He was just a kid who, it seems, fell into an acting career while pursuing a music career (more on that at the end of the post). Besides, he had to live in the shadow of Coleman's obvious charisma and talent. I picked two episodes from season 7 (1984-85), Cooksey's first full season (he and Carter also appeared in parts of season 6).
First up, "Arnold Saves the Squirrel" (January 12, 1985). Sam attends a taping of local kids show Sandy the Squirrel, where Sandy (played by living legend Chuck McCann), announces to the kids in the nut gallery that the station has canceled the show. Sam takes it especially hard (as does housekeeper Pearl, who has a thing for Sandy), and things get worse when they learn his mom has been offered Sandy's timeslot for her aerobics show, a big move from cable (oddly, Drummond says he's glad because he won't have to stick an antenna out the window to watch her show now. You'd think a tycoon would understand how cable works). Even a Van Halen t-shirt-wearing Arnold can't console the moppet.
In a strange meta moment, Drummond suggests Sam start a write-in campaign. After all it worked real-world show Cagney & Lacey (this really happened, but the show aired on different network--CBS--than Diff'rent Strokes). Drummond gladly admits that he wrote in because "that Cagney is a real knockout!" Arnold and Sam bring a petition signed by eleven people to the studio, but the smarmy station manager laughs it off and says they need 10,000 signatures!
Despondent, they write as many letters under as many names as they can--well, Arnold and Willis do. Sam just licks the envelopes. They know they can't make impossible numbers, and Drummond doesn't approve of phony letters, so they're about to give up when Arnold has a brilliant idea. He enlists Sam's Cub Scout pack to help recruit Scouts from all over New York. During Sandy's last episode, Arnold storms the stage, and the Scouts dump all their letters on the floor. Sandy gets his job back (with a raise), Sam's mom loses her opportunity (but doesn't care 'cause her baby's happy), and Pearl confesses her feelings to a surprised and delighted Sandy.
In this episode, Arnold still gets plenty of jokes, and they feel in character--a kid who likes to crack wise--just not as unique. He seems like a mature kid in a slightly small body (at this point Coleman was around 17, playing 15), but he no longer has the incongruity of his size versus his maturity/wit. Meanwhile, Sam never has the uniqueness because he just seems like a little kid (Cooksey was around 10, so he he might be playing young, too). Sam gets a few kid comedy lines, but mostly, he plays the "emotional" points, and, dare I say it, that kind of works. It allows the show to have a story that might appeal to little kids--losing a favorite show--and Arnold and the family to come to the rescue while Sam learns something. Nothing brilliant but nothing offensive. Well, maybe the show trying to put over Sam's "puppy dog eyes."
"A Camping We Will Go" (February 23, 1985) centers more on Sam and his relationship with his two dads--Drummond (or Mr. D as Sam calls him, harkening back to the early days of the show) and biological dad Wes, a country singer played by legendary party animal country singer Hoyt Axton. Wes rolls in and out of town when it suits him, offering up folksy charm, bear hugs, and in Sam's view "fun." Drummond likes the big lug, but he can't compete. Arnold suggests Drummond use one of Wes' ideas and take Sam camping. Maggie agrees, but they also drag Arnold into it (despite his claims to have a trip to Cleveland scheduled).
Being rich and a sitcom character, Drummond goes all out and buys all the ridiculous camping gear he can find (electric socks, a solar-powered stock analyzer, an already-inflated raft, freeze-dried fettucine alfredo). At the last minute, Wes shows up unannounced and ends up going on the camping trip with them. An expert camper, he just brings a big, hollow pole filled with everything he needs, and he says he's never slept in a tent. He and the boys go off to fish while Drummond sets up his tent. A skunk wanders in and sprays him, and he dashes for the lake, spoiling it for fishing. They also have to bury his tent and sleeping bag.
The next day, Wes and Arnold set off to fish again, while Drummond and Sam go to collect more firewood (the wise Wes' idea to give them some bonding time). They get lost (Sam's fault, but Drummond doesn't know what he's doing either) and huddle for warmth. Sam confesses that he hates camping and reveals a penchant for stocks. Wes and Arnold eventually find them, Drummond blames himself for everything (teaching Sam the importance of lying), and Sam makes believe that he's a great camper, pleasing Wes (See? Lesson learned!).
I like this episode a little more mainly because Conrad Bain gets to cut loose a little. Plus, Hoyt Axton brings a lot of charm to the screen (and looks a like a giant alongside Coleman and Cooksey). We also get to hear tiny Cooksey sing in a big country voice. Again, Sam doesn't get tasked with a whole lot of comedy. Instead, he (and Bain and Axton) holds down the emotional turf while others cover the comedy--Drummond's ineptness, Arnold's wise cracks. They could have done more with Arnold getting Drummond into this unfortunate incident, really gone the Laurel and Hardy route with it, and they could have done more with the Drummond-Wes conflict, but they only had 25 minutes. They did give us this enduring image.
Conclusion. Sam doesn't usurp Arnold's importance on the show, but he doesn't bring anything special to it either and perhaps underscores its sentimentality. If you want to watch classic Diff'rent Strokes, go for those early seasons, but if you wind up watching episodes from the Sam years, it probably won't ruin your day or anything, especially if you're a little kid (our main demographic of course).
Cooksey's acting career continued, including a role in T2 and a lot of voice-over work (Tiny Toons' Yosemite Sam-like character Montana Max). Plus, he fronted early nineties glam metal teen band Bad4Good. Enjoy!
Here at Battle of the Network Shows, we love Tom "There's no crying in baseball" Hanks, but we also love us some Tom "I hit Alex" Hanks, so if we have the chance to celebrate some more Hanks crying, we'll take it...even if it means watching a kind of lame TV movie.
In 1982, post Bosom Buddies, Hanks starred in Mazes and Monsters, a CBS TV movie based on a novel based on an erroneous real-life story about a game of Dungeons & Dragons gone wrong. Hanks plays Robbie, who transfers to Grant University after flunking out of Tufts for playing too much Mazes and Monsters (he also has some dark stuff in his past, but his parents blame the game). After, oh, possibly a day or two, he joins a group of gamers made up of Jay Jay (Chris Makepeace from Meatballs and My Bodyguard), Daniel (David Wallace, AKA Todd Chandler #3 from Days of Our Lives), and Kate (Wendy Crewson, Harrison Ford's first lady in Air Force One).
Teen genius Jay Jay comes from an eccentric family and wears funny hats. Pretty boy Daniel bemoans a life of one-night stands. Kate feels she can't be herself with guys (until she meets Robbie and they play Mazes and Monsters, jog, eat, make out, and study in a duet-scored montage). A few other recognizable faces show up in smaller parts: Clark Johnson (Meldrick Lewis from Homicide: Life on the Street), Murray Hamilton (the mayor from Jaws), and Kevin Peter Hall (the Predator from Predator) playing a monster.
Anyway, the Mazes and Monsters game soon gets out of hand when Jay Jay tries to take it up a notch by staging a new version in some mysterious caverns. No crying in this one but plenty of yelling.
Robbie's emotional/psychological troubles reemerge, and he starts to role-play his character from the game, a monk called Pardieu...all the time. He disappears on a quest (given to him, he thinks, by his god Hall, voiced by Hanks), and, well, all this gives Hanks ample opportunity for some crying.
In Manhattan on his quest, Robbie gets mugged and fends for himself.
This leads to a tearful phone call to Kate (who he dumped so he could practice celibacy--she moved on to Daniel). Unfortunately, the audio cuts off near the end of this clip, but you can find the full movie on Amazon Prime or, um, other places.
Finally, the gang finds Robbie atop one of the Two Towers of his quest, in fact one of the World Trade Center towers,and we get this...
While we can't really recommend Mazes and Monsters, it does have some cheesy music, Jay Jay's hats, and of course Tom Hanks giving it his tearful all.
We here at Battle of the Network Shows have a soft spot for the lean years at NBC, the pre-Must See TV years that allowed both the mediocre and the groundbreaking to thrive. In season one, we talked about CHiPs, Family Ties, and The Facts of Life, all shows that began during these years while many, many others came and went. We plan to discuss a few more in season two. While we praised CHiPs for being CHiPs--in other words pleasantly entertaining--we (or at least I) can't call it "quality" television. Still, between 1982 and their return to success in 1984, NBC also introduced or stuck with struggling but groundbreaking shows like Hill Street Blues (1981-1987), St. Elsewhere (1982-1988), Cheers (1982-1993), and Late Night With David Letterman (1982-1993). Of course, even in the climb back to the top, they also had hits in shows like The A-Team and Knight Rider (in other words, shows ripe for our little podcast).
For now, though, let's look back to the glorious fall of 1978. Jimmy Carter was in the White House, the Son of Sam got 365 years in prison, Pope John Paul I succeeded Pope Paul VI, then died a month later. In music, songs like "Three Times a Lady" (The Commodores), "Miss You" (The Rolling Stones), and"Grease" (Frankie Valli) topped the charts. The top three movies of the summer were Grease,National Lampoon's Animal House, and Hooper, and Superman would arrive in December.
On TV, NBC invited us to NBC/Seeus with this stunning 28-minute fall preview. Feel free to watch and even you don't, skip ahead to the 27-minute mark for the full NBC/See Us song. Either way, I'll break down the slate of new shows you've probably never heard of. Think of it as a sort of "What We'd Like to See" even if we don't always want to see them.
Grandpa Goes to Washington (:27): Jack Albertson stars as a teacher forced to retire who through sheer crankiness and gumption winds up a senator. Here he plays Grandpa Joe Kelley, but you probably remember him as Grandpa Joe in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Other stars include Larry Linville (M*A*S*H, CHiPs "Roller Disco"), Patti Deutsch (uh, Match Game), and at least in the pilot Rue McClanahan (The Golden Girls, Mama's Family, something mentioned below). Weirdest part. Political operatives glom on to Grandpa Joe for his frankness after he embarrsess Governor Bonks (probably spelled differently, but why spoil a good thing?), but Grandpa agrees to run for U.S. Senate because of the paycheck. Later in the preview, he hints at an interest in the presidency for the same reason! "Watch out, Washington. Grandpa's on his way!"
Sword of Justice (2:39): Gregory Harrison (Gonzo from Trapper John, M.D.) plays a rich playboy--wait. I thought Gregory Harrison played the rich playboy. Turns out it's Norman "Dack" Rambo, who has an incredible name and played Jack Ewing on Dallas. So Norman "Dack" Rambo plays rich playboy Jack Cole, who gets sent up the river for supposedly embezzling money from his father (a situation that literally kills his mother). Norman "Dack" Rambo as Jack Cole's pal/attorney (Alex Courtney, AKA second-rate Jimmy Caan, AKA second-rate Tony Roberts) tells him of a whole world of crime "way above the law" (white-collar?). In prison, Norman "Dack" Rambo as Jack Cole says, "They say this place is a college. (Incredibly long pause) Well, I want to go to schoooool." Norman "Dack" Rambo as Jack Cole takes a full load in Burglar Alarms, Precision Acrobatics, Second-Story Work, huh, and Lock Picking.
"Back on the outside, [Norman "Dack" Rambo as Jack Cole] begins his battle against criminals beyond the law, using every trick of the trade he learned so well at his crime school." Also, Norman "Dack" Rambo as Jack Cole does the whole Bruce Wayne thing and continues to pretend to be a playboy and beds a lot of women. Also, also, Norman "Dack" Rambo as Jack Cole leaves a calling card (three of spades), and "Anyone who gets it knows his number is up" (including Larry Hagman!). Look out, white-collar criminals! Norman "Dack" Rambo as Jack Cole is the Sword of Justice! "Sword of Justice: Bad news for criminals...great news for viewers!"
P.S.: His former cellmate/assistant's name...Hector Ramirez.
The Waverly Wonders (5:03): "Joe Namath stars in The Waverly Wonders!" 'Nuff said.
Fine. He plays a high-school teacher-coach in this sitcom and had to deal with a sexy, hard-nosed lady principal, students, and an obsequious colleague and stuff. Oh, he coaches a hapless basketball team that even--gasp--has a girl try out. Um, one of his students (probably an extra) looks like a young Pete Townshend. "You be sure to come around and see Joe in The Waverly Wonders!"
Lifeline (7:02): A docuseries about a doctor saving babies. Can't really make fun of that.
Dick Clark's Live Wednesday (10:00): Yes! A variety show from then 78-year-old Dick Clark! Dick claims "it will present everyone you want to know about, see, and applaud." Wow. I hope that includes Norman "Dack" Rambo, star of NBC's Sword of Justice. By the way, his whole presentation seems simultaneously smooth and rehearsed and off the cuff. Anyway, let me just let Dick tell you about it.
As a matter of fact, we've taken some of the elements of the, uh, successful Dick Clark's Good Old Days, which proud to say did, uh, phenomenally well against the first game of the World Series...(footage of 1950s-like behavior) incorporated those moments into a variety show that's gone short, pacey, and live. It crosses the generations, spans aaalll of the performing arts--headliners, fad makers (or possibly bakers), the greatest, and the latest, the concerts, reunions, spectacles, and stunts. Whether it's, uh, a flash from the past or a glimpse of tomorrow, if it interests you, then we've got it. There's nostalgia with a twist, updates on celebrities out of the headlines--what are they doing, where are they now, that sort of thing--but the key is entertainment presented in the tempo of the day, the latest word in sights, sounds, and stars. It's Dick Clark Live Wednesday.
The Eddie Capra Mysteries (11:05):This clever detective series looks like most clever detective series--mildly entertaining and reliant on the clever detective's charisma to put it over, but I love how the great voice-over tries to put over Eddie Capra (Vincent Baggetta) the way an established series might try to remind us of one of its character's quirks--say, syndicated Seinfeld ads focusing on Kramer or network New Girl ads focusing on Schmidt. Only, we've never heard of Eddie Capra! On with the voice-over, but stay tuned for a "fun fact" afterwards:
This is Eddie Capra. He solves murders. His staff is small (image of Capra, a young man, and a young woman), devoted (image of Capra and the young woman making out on the floor), and learning how he works (Capra in front of a chalkboard while the young man and young woman look at him slack-jawed as if he's explaining Einstein's Theory of Relativity--also, Capra bets a cheeseburger deluxe about whatever he's talking about). His methods are 100% Capra...and full of surprises. Solving murders, even for Capra, can be a dangerous business...(guns, car chases, car going over cliff, you know, the usual) but Capra's best weapon is his brain. (George Hamilton guests, the preview shows Capra solving the crime, reinforcing the idea that we should watch not for the mystery but for Capra. Also, after all this--something involving magnets--Capra grins, pops an eight-track in the his convertible's deck, and drives off with opera blaring). Capra--he'll solve all your problems!
Fun fact courtesy Wikipedia: the producers adapted some of the scripts from ones meant for Ellery Queen (1975-1976).
Bonus fun fact: CBS aired episodes of Capra in 1990 in primetime to fill in for Wiseguy.
W.E.B. (14:22): An intense behind-the-scenes drama about network TV. "Pamela Bellwood stars as Ellen Cunningham--on her way to the top." She's "talkin' about rippin' it apart, puttin' it back together some other way." All right. Unfortunately, it takes a toll on her personal life with "boy genius" and fur-coat-wearing David (Zalman King). Alex Cord (of Airwolf fame) plays her unsympathetic, possibly health nut, mustachioed boss Jack Kiley. Hmm. Seems like Network minus the satire but with lots of emoting. "W.E.B., the show about making it in TV does exactly that this fall."
Unfortunately, W.E.B. only lasted till October and got replaced by the intriguingly titled David Cassidy: Man Under Cover. Please be a literal title, please.
Centennial (17:14):Finally, something I've heard of. This epic miniseries adapted one of James A. Michener's doorstops, this one about the history of the Western United States and ecology, with a cavalcade of stars.
Others include Andy Griffith, David Janssen, Sharon Gless, Richard Crenna, Timothy Dalton, Merle Haggard, Mark Harmon, Gregory Harrison (not Norman "Dack" Rambo), Brian Keith, A. Martinez, Donald Pleasence, Lynn Redgrave, Clive Revill, Dennis Weaver, Robert Vaughn, Anthony Zerbe, Reb Brown (TV's Captain America), Richard Jaeckel, and Geoffrey Lewis, plus George Clooney as an extra.
This preview features Burr, Conrad, and Chamberlain doing weird accents. I remember seeing some of this on TNT or TBS back in the late eighties, and STARZ Encore still reruns it. In fact, you can watch it through their STARZ app on streaming devices (with account verification, but as long as you have formerly known as Encore, it's available) and probably on demand.
Thus endeth the new shows. They also quickly (as in too quickly) show titles for "a galaxy of specials and multi-part movies." These include specials from Bob Hope, Steve Martin, Helen Reddy, Bette Midler, Chevy Chase, Tony Orlando, and Mac Davis!
The titles of the multi-part movies rush by, but they include a number of famous novels. Special events range from the Miss America Pageant and the Canine Hall of Fame. Then we get more TV movies with big stars (Cindy Williams, Richard Crenna), plus title cards for Flash Gordon (animated), Buck Rogers, and Magic Starring Doug Henning. Great Movie Nights promises the likes of Airport '77 and the King Kong remake. We also get a glimpse of returning shows like CHiPs, The Rockford Files, Little Houseon the Prairie, Quincy, The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, and Saturday Night Live.
That wraps things up except this last bit for comparison. Take a look at the list of shows from ABC's own 1978 fall preview. Again, even if you don't watch the whole clip, skip ahead to the eight-minute mark to hear the song (and see it "performed" by the ABC family), but it's worth a watch for Ernie Anderson's voice-over work alone.
Welcome Back Kotter
Operation Petticoat
Taxi
Happy Days
Laverne and Shirley
Three's Company
Starsky and Hutch
Vega$ ("It's got it all--big money, big girls, a big tab...and Dan Tanna!")
Charlie's Angels
Eight is Enough
Mork and Mindy
What's Happening!! ("Dee is trouble's middle name, and nobody knows it like Roger, Dwayne, and Rerun.")
Barney Miller
Soap
Family
Donny and Marie
Apple Pie*
Carter Country
Love Boat
Fantasy Island
Hardy Boys
Movies!
The movie pilot of Battlestar Galactica
While all these shows might not represent the best in TV of 1978, they all pretty much had good runs, and many remain in the general pop culture. Hard to say that about that NBC list.
*Apple Pie (5:00 just after the erroneous "Sunday" graphic): The one exception here. The great Rue McClanahan, the great Dabney Coleman, and the great Jack Gilford starred in this 1933-set sitcom about a crazy family. "I'm supposed to be irreverent," shouts Jack Gilford (right after Anderson refers to him as irreverent), "I'm old!" Norman Lear created this one for McClanahan, but only two episodes aired. Kind of want to see it.
In our second look at TV shows riffing on Dickens' A Christmas Carol, we focus on The Six Million Dollar Man? Family Ties made some sense, and surely shows like Happy Days and ALF might have gone this route, but The Six Million Dollar Man? Yes, The Six Million Dollar Man. Despite the science fiction trappings, however, we get a fairly grounded variation of the story with a bevy of recognizable guest stars. "A Bionic Christmas Carol" aired December 12, 1976, as part of season four, less than a month before "Death Probe Part I."
Steve arrives at Oscar's office for their annual Christmas Eve lunch before flying home to Ojai for Christmas with his family. Oscar--or should we say Scrooge in this case--has bad news. He needs Steve to visit an aerospace company working on a Mars life support system. They've had a number of accidents, and the OSI suspects sabotage. Steve lodges a complaint via some bionic vandalism of his present for Oscar.
Then we meet the true Scrooge of the episode Horton Budge. One of TV's greatest curmudgeons Ray Walston plays Budge with all the grump, bluster, and officiousness one would expect.
"Here's your Christmas bonus. Now endorse it back to me."
Dick Sargent (the second Darren from Bewitched) plays Budge's chauffeur Bob Crandall, who owes some kind of debt to Budge, immediately returning a Christmas bonus to help pay it off. Budge explains to Steve that he's doing everything within the specs for the project. He also lays down the law about Christmas--no Christmas tree for the Mars test subject stuck in a tank for Christmas, no office workers singing carols on their own time, and fewer workers to save on double pay. Something goes wrong with the Mars test, and Steve has to use some bionic door busting to save the test subject.
Later, Crandall gives Steve a lift to hotel and ends up inviting him to a Christmas dinner he himself won't get to celebrate (he has to go back to the plant in case Budge needs him). Steve buys some presents for Crandall's kids, hears townspeople gossip about Crandall's cheapness, and then at the Crandall home immediately bonds with the three kids (played by future Oscar nominee Quinn Cummings, future Eight is Enough moppet Adam Rich, and, um, another kid).
L-R: Adam Rich, Quinn Cummings, some other kid.
He even uses some bionic jumping and chopping to sunder a branch from the top of a tree for a makeshift Christmas tree and offers Christmas wisdom to the kids (more wishes come true at Christmas than any other time of the year).
More importantly, he learns the truth of the Budge-Crandall situation. Budge is Crandall's uncle, and a few years ago when Mrs. Crandall had health problems, Budge wouldn't help. Crandall, then Budge's accountant, helped himself and has been paying for it ever since. Steve arches an eyebrow in thought.
How can he help?
It takes a while, but we finally get into the Dickens motif. After stopping in town to rent a Santa costume from the school janitor (it makes sense in the show), he bionic runs to the plant. Budge has gone home ill, but Steve runs tests on the materials, even doing some bionic speed reading and bionic calculating (if only the Death Probe had been a calculator). Budge has done everything within specs...but just within specs, so the project has no room for error. Steve heads off to confront Budge, learning that he's sick. He sends Crandall home, then hears a delirious Budge hollering for help. Steve runs in just time to catch Budge after he falls over a banister.
Budge has ODed on some sort of medicine (he's been chugging the stuff all episode), and the doctor gives him an antidote. The antidote contains a sedative, and that creates a problem. Steve and Crandall must keep Budge awake for three hours or risk him slipping into a coma. Still delirious, Budge thinks the angel of death caught him when he fell. Steve sees his opportunity. Using Dickens as a starting point and dressed as Santa Claus, he takes Budge on a journey.
First stop, a headstone. A few minutes before, Steve had lifted up a paving stone and bionically carved this as a symbol of a future that could happen.
Next, they head into town, where some carolers try to get Budge to join in. He takes a program and stuffs it in his pocket, even admits they sound nice, but when it comes to singing, he won't...budge. Ha! Finally, they head over to the Crandall house to eavesdrop. Mrs. C speaks some hard truths about Budge, but Crandall, having seen his uncle so ill, worries.
Then Santa Steve takes a bionic leap onto the porch roof so they can spy on the kids. Yep, just two men sitting on the roof of a porch, peering into a window at three children. Weird of course, but it also risks pulling the Santa beard off Steve's plan. Unlike a usual Christmas Carol tale, Steve and Budge aren't ghosts. They're real guys sitting up there. Oldest child Elsie offers some practical wisdom about ol' Uncle Budge, that sometimes people who love you don't get you presents, but she also questions his love. Outside, Budge says, "Oh, but I do love you all," and prays, telling God he will change his way.
Will he, though? After sleeping, he wakes up raring to get back to his hard work and explaining to regular shirt-open-to-his-navel Steve that an accident of birth doesn't mean he should love the Crandalls. Yep, same old Budge...until he finds that Christmas carol program in his pocket. Then we get the Scrooge epiphany and soon enough Budge in the Santa suit, toys for the Crandall kids, forgiven debts (no goose, though), and Budge's first steps into becoming a sociable human being. Miracles do happen on Christmas! Even Steve and Oscar mend fences.
"Why does this suit smell like burning wires?"
While this episode didn't offer the actors the chance to role-play quite the way many of these do, it fits in nicely with many of the wandering hero type shows like The Incredible Hulk. We know Steve Austin tends to do the right thing, but between this and his philosophical musings at the end of "Death Probe," we also see a warmhearted, thoughtful guy underneath all the circuitry, transistors, and solid masculinity. Surely Steve Austin didn't need bionics to become a hero. He had it in him all along...just like Horton Budge.
One mystery remains, though. What did Oscar get Steve for Christmas? Actually, two mysteries. We've confirmed the bionic mustache, but now I'm wondering about the chest hair.
TV shows have long had special holiday-themed episodes, and for Christmas, many go to that old gem A Christmas Carol for inspiration. Today and tomorrow, we'll look at two shows we covered on the podcast that did their own versions of A Christmas Carol. Up first, Family Ties "A Keaton Christmas Carol," which aired December 14, 1983, a mere month and a half before "Say Uncle."
The episode opens with most of the Keaton clan finishing up trimming the tree and naturally in a festive mood. Alex hasn't appeared, but when he does, well, maybe he should have stayed away. He's in a mood. He doesn't like Christmas and considers it a lot of baloney. He's so cranky that he forgot to pick up Jennifer's cough medicine, suggesting he'll pick it up tomorrow until Elyse reminds him that tomorrow is Christmas and all the shops will be closed. He even refuses to pose for the traditional family photo, thinking it dumb that to strike the same poses every year.
Upstairs, he yells out his window at some Christmas carolers, mutters a "bah, humbug," and settles in for a long winter's nap. Instead smoke billows through the room, and Jennifer appears decked out in red, only she's not Jennifer. She's the Ghost of Christmas Past, and she takes Alex on a journey...downstairs...but downstairs to a living room from ten years before.
We see a young, cheerful yet cheerfully Republican Alex (he takes some time to call the Watergate investigation a witch hunt) who loves Christmas.
Sure he and Mallory and even baby Jennifer recognized Steven through his Santa disguise, but they all have a good time, and lil' Alex even suggests that they turn their photo poses into an annual tradition.
Back in bed, the Ghost of Christmas Future pays a visit in the guise of Mallory (no time for the Ghost of Christmas Present here).
She shows him a grim, dare I say, dyskensian future, and the cast gets to have fun playing older versions of themselves. The Keatons (and apparently the world) have fallen on hard times. To make ends meet, Elyse does other people's laundry and Jennifer farms dirt in a wheelbarrow (the family's only form of transportation). Mallory's on baby number four, and Steven looks like he wandered in from the set of A Christmas Carol movie.
Only Alex has had success, becoming a tycoon who lives in New York. He arrives in a helicopter, crushes the wheelbarrow, and strides into the house looking like he wandered in from the set of a 1930s comedy--fat, bald, pinky-ring-wearing. Real Alex panics as the sight of all this (the meanness and the baldness) and promises to do better. Of course, a modern audience knows this only represents a possible future. After all, Brian Bosnall's Andy doesn't even get mentioned! (Hmm. Maybe Alex should have stayed a jerk.)
"Grovel before your master!"
The episode ends with a changed Alex excitedly offering lame gifts to everyone. He had to get them from 7-Eleven, so he had limited options (most notably a six-pack of cough syrup for Jennifer--I hope she used it up before Uncle Ned visited). Although they don't understand his behavior, the family accepts their goofy gifts in the spirit Alex intended, and he opens the door to his last present--the carolers!
It wouldn't be a Keaton Christmas without some orange juice... or any day of the week.
"Six-pack of cough syrup or orange juice, six-pack of syrup or orange juice?"
While this episode doesn't reach the heights of "Say Uncle," it offers plenty of laughs, the fun of seeing young Alex, and of course a heartwarming lesson--don't act like a scrooge or you might lose your hair. Sure, we don't ever learn why Alex hates Christmas, and it frankly seems a little out of character, but the writers and the cast get to have fun with the characters, casting them in an absurd light they couldn't otherwise, all while imparting some warmth and wisdom. Who can say, "bah, humbug," to that?
