Monday, February 20, 2017

Tale of the Tape: Abraham Lincoln vs. Dolan

On Presidents Day, we celebrate the monumental legacies of former presidents Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. Every day, we at BOTNS celebrate the monumental legacy of Dolan from the Lowenbrau commercial.

I hate to pit two equally great men against each other, but just for fun, as a sporting proposition, let's compare these legendary figures. With apologies to Nick Bakay, we give you...


Category: Primary occupation
Lincoln: 16th prez of the USA
Dolan: Associate at unspecified firm
Edge: Lincoln, but remember we're judging Dolan by his 1977 status.

Category: Personal sacrifice
Lincoln: Staked his life on preserving the future of the Union
Dolan: Braved crosstown traffic to get a huge steak
Edge: Dolan. Lincoln never had to deal with rush hour

Category: Ideal night of entertainment
Lincoln: Our American Cousin at Ford's Theater
Dolan: The Knicks at the Garden
Edge: Dolan. The Knicks were pretty cool in the 70s, and we can only guess about the performance until someone discovers what Mary actually said when asked, "Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"

Category: Theme song
Lincoln: "Hail to the Chief"
Dolan: "Let It Be Lowenbrau"
Edge: Dolan. HIS theme song won a Batty.

Category: Right-hand man
Lincoln: Secretary of State William Seward
Dolan: Michael Moriarty
Edge: Lincoln. Given Moriarty's rep, it's surprising that Seward was the only one who experienced a knife attack.

Category: Archenemy
Lincoln: John Wilkes Booth
Dolan: Ed in Human Resources
Edge: Lincoln: Let's face it, Booth is one of history's biggest villains, but no one at the firm is a match for Dolan.

Category: Signature look
Lincoln: Stovepipe hat
Dolan: Tasteful jacket/tie
Edge: Lincoln with the extra flair, but in fairness to Dolan, he's coming straight from work and Manny's probably has a dress code.

Category: Obstacles caused by subordinates
Lincoln: Frustrated by indecision of incompetent generals
Dolan: Nonplussed by indecision of Frank when looking at the menu
Edge: Dolan

Category: Reputation
Lincoln: Validated by hundreds of historians and scholars
Dolan: Validated by a dead ringer for Jimmy Valvano
Edge: Lincoln...barely

Category: Leadership style
Lincoln: Deliberates over agonizing decisions
Dolan: Knows exactly what he wants
Category: Stance on conflict
Lincoln: A house divided against itself cannot stand
Dolan: If you guys work out the carpool situation, I can get us courtside next Friday
Edge: Dolan. It took Lincoln 4 years to achieve peace!

Category: Signature speech
Lincoln: Four score and seven years ago...(The Gettysburg Address)
Dolan: Give the me the biggest steak you got and a bottle 'a Lowenbrau
Edge: Dolan--He gets right to the point.

TOTAL: When you look at the numbers, Dolan wins 7-5 in an upset...or is it an upset? As beloved as he is today, Abraham Lincoln was a controversial and divisive figure in his day, but everyone in the office loved Dolan. Even Ed from Human Resources eventually accepted an invite to enjoy Mrs. Dolan's cooking and Bob's famous mashed potatoes.

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