Well, no, we daren't. What we do have is a smaller list highlighting the top performers in order of how patriotic they seemed to be. Yes, it's subjective. No, we don't mean to imply anyone not on the list was not patriotic. We have to make our arbitrary rankings somehow, though.
1) Yakov Smirnoff: Sometimes it takes someone not born here to show us what a true patriot looks like by pointing out our foibles. And also making fun of the Russkies!
2) Barbara Mandrell: I mean, it looked like she invited half of the country to a barbecue at her place.
3) Suzanne Somers: As Mike notes on the podcast, she seemingly volunteered to take up half the "burden" of filling airtime all by herself!
4) Alabama: Hey, they're named after a state! And not the state of confusion or anything like that, but a genuine member of the U.S. of A.!
5) The Wife of the Vice President of the United States: Barbara Bush was big on literacy, and she represented cause and country well as the spouse of the second-most powerful person in the country!
6) Robert Urich: In his charming performance as co-emcee, he personifies the ol' American spirit of trying to do it all, even if you aren't necessarily suited for it.
7) Chubby Checker: In one energetic segment, the dude tore through half of the Billboard charts of the early days of rock and roll.
8) Phil Driscoll: I thought he looked like an American Joe Cocker out there. Yeah, that's a good thing!
9) Everyone in the North Carolina Jell-O Dump: Is there anything more American than an event like a Jell-O dump?
10) Dennis Weaver: Well, maybe not so much, but he DID play cowboys in his career.